Yo everybody, this is your good friend Spinny McGintz talking to you from Riker's Island prison where I'm spending a little vacation after holding up a burger joint with a frozen banana. Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine in my nice new orange jump suit.
Today I want to explain to all of you everything you need to know about court etiquette. Believe me after spending several of days in court I've become quite an expert on it.
First off come to court on time. If you don't they'll convict you in absentia and put out a bench warrant which really makes no sense. Why they want to arrest a bench is beside me. Heck in hind sight maybe I should've just skipped my trial and had them arrest a bench instead of me.
Also, when you come to court wear some decent clothes. Don't wear those muscle shirts and shorts because the judge will get really pissed off at you. Most men wear suits and ties which really throws me for a loop because I've never known a house burglar to do a job in a three piece gizmo wearing penny loafers but yet in court there they are.
Have a lawyer and don't represent yourself like I did. My idiot lawyer wanted me to take a pee deal which she claimed would result in me getting just thirty days, but I turned her down and told her "I'm not into golden showers if you know what I mean. You're fired!" I should have done the pee deal because the jurors found me guilty and gave me 18 months behind bars.
When cross examining the witnesses don't call them snitches or bitches or any other name other than their own. Usually you should address them as Mr. So-and-so or Mrs. So-and-so not 'Jenny baby' or something like that because the judge will reprimand you.
Whatever you do if your judge is a woman don't tell her she looks fat in her robe. I don't care if she is rounder than a beach ball and looks like someone put a bicycle pump to her just don't say it. You will be told you are contemptable and your trial will be delayed while you spend a night in jail.
Also, don't address the judge as 'your holiness'. The judge is nothing like the Pope even though they both wear robes. She will hold you in contempt again and your trial will be delayed another day while you spend another night in jail.
If you have any information to give to the judge you got to give it to those people dressed as rent a cops that hang out on the sides of the judge. When you give them the document don't say anything to them especially "here you go Gomer". The judge will yell at you.
Don't start texting in the middle of the trial and definitely don't take a call while you're interrogating a witness. It doesn't matter if the call is an emergency from you mom who is being swallowed by a Burmese Python. Just don't do it. This will definitely get you another night in jail. You probably should just turn you cell phone off.
Well, that's about it. Just follow all the points above and your trial should go as smooth as ice cream spread on a super model's butt. Don't be like me or you will get an extended vacation at Riker's Island.
