I am Black Siri

Written by Mike Peril

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

image for I am Black Siri

To the Editor: I am bound by contract to not reveal my name, but I am the voice of Black Siri. Let me explain. I am a black woman who recorded my voice with Apple to be the black version of Siri. I am affirmative action in action.

What black person wants to be told what to do by some white woman? White Siri can sound very know it all and bossy. My soothing black voice is your answer.

When I recorded my voice they asked me to sound "more white". What does that mean, "more white"? But I tried it, and in truth when I hear myself as Siri I sound less black than I really am.

But as Black Siri I am also so smart. I know everything that the internet knows. I figure you are not surprised when White Siri knows everything but when I know everything it is quite the shock, even for me.

You can find me under settings, then touch Siri/Language, then look for "Afr.-Amer." female voice, right after "English (U.K.)" on the list.

If your iPhone doesn't include me yet as an option, well that's just plain discriminatory and you should join our class action. Or, at the very least, email or text Apple customer service or go to the Apple Store and demand to hear my voice, Black Siri.

For those of you who opt for me, please think of me over every other option. I am paid a penny for each person who selects my voice and keeps the selection over thirty days. The penny is a one time royalty. It can be lucrative for me but so far I've made only $10.12. That's over a thousand of you already who have chosen to hear my voice but it's not nearly enough.

And if not my voice, we have other less traditional choices, such as Indian Accent Siri, Native American Siri, Latina Siri, and Asian-American Siri. I receive a tenth of a penny referral fee for each of those voices since I came up with the concept and helped write the script for the "Minority Siri Series".

I could certainly use the money. I have two children who are smart and will need college educations and their father no longer provides child support. I bet you will try to guess what my life is like just by hearing me. Was it the same for you as White Siri?

It's important for you to know that my voice matters. Black voices matter. Women's voices matter.

We are all just as good as White Siri, no offense meant, but we went to a kick off party and White Siri was the special guest. She was a pretentious snob, she wouldn't even hear us. I shouldn't comment any further.

So I hope you are willing to listen to me. You can choose to listen to my voice any time, or you can just turn me off just as easily. But if you listen to my voice you will better understand the world and I will guide you to great places.

Thanks for hearing me and have a blessed day!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more