Friday, 19 August 2016

Ryan Seacrest (RS): "Jimmy Feigen, You've just won a Gold Medal in Swimming and donated 10 grand to charity. What are you going to do if you ever escape from Rio?"

Feigen: "I thought about Disney World, but that offer was rescinded. So now I'm going to PARADISE!"


RS: "Chris Harrison, is Jimmy Feigen correct in that he is joining the cast of Bachelor in Paradise? What gives?"

Chris Harrison (CH): "What gives? This is the best way ever for Olympians to celebrate their wins and flex their muscles and new found notoriety. Plus, we have a few big shoes to fill on the show, and who better to fill them than today's new bad boys?"

RS: "Big Shoes? Do you mean Big Jock Straps, as in Chad Johnson?"

CH: "Well, Ryan, now that you mention it, Chad was a big draw for our viewers, both on Bachelorette and Paradise. He was kind of like watching a car accident - you didn't want to watch, you knew what was coming, but you couldn't look away."

RS: "Who do you see taking Chad's place on the show?"

CH: "In terms of sheer star power, well of course Michael Phelps comes to mind. But I think he's sort of taken. Those big hickeys all over his body say it all. So Sun Yang is my pick. I love how he splashed the Aussie swimmer. A real Chad chickenshit move. And he drives a Porsche, which would be a solid sponsor for the show. And we'll appeal to our Chinese viewership too."

RS: "Who do you think could replace Jubilee? She was a real sweetie."

CH: "Gabby Douglas would be my top choice - she might be the youngest ever on the show, but she's legal to drink in Mexico, and that's the key sport in Paradise, besides sniping behind people's backs."

RS: "Great choice Chris. And what about the twins, Emily and Haley Ferguson? They will be a hard act to follow if anyone ever separates them."

CH: "You got that right Ryan. Emily and Haley have created a firestorm on Paradise, what with their recent switcheroo on the date with Brandon. It gives new meaning to doubledating. I'm thinking Anita Alverez and Maria Koroleva. They don't look like identical twins, but they are really good at copying each other. They'd be great in the Paradise pool. As they say in Paradise, what happens under water, stays under water."

RS: "And what about the Paradise beach? Izzy and Lace aren't long for those thongs."

CH: "Unfortunately we can't have married people on the show - at least not those we know are married - but if we could I'd go for Jen or Kerri and Misty from beach volleyball. They can jump in thongs better than any bachelorette in Paradise I've seen. Brooke Sweat might look ok if she wore a little makeup or colored her hair."

RS: "And then there is the challenge of finding replacements for gaydar guys Nick and Evan."

CH: "Poor Evan. I've never seen such a pansy in my life. He actually ended a date in an ambulance. But God bless 'em for not giving up. I'd like to invite Tom Daley from England, the synchronized diver. He's buff and a good sport."

RS: "So far you've picked all winners from the troops of the Olympics. What about all those losers out there? The Russian guy who kicked the board diving in the gale force wind, all those babes who fell off the balance beam?"

CH: "Ryan, you should join my production team! As you know there's already The Biggest Loser, and we aren't talking gold medals there, and Survivor. We're thinking of "Olympic Do-Over. Come on over to ABC - would you like to host?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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