Written by thomas o'hanlon

Saturday, 18 June 2016

The Boston Massacre Brewing Company of Vermont recently invited me to a tasting of their new offerings. They have beaten the competition to the ultimate goal by producing the first 365 pack. It consists of beers made up to match the nuances of every day of the year.

I first sampled A stars and striped bottle of "INDEPENDENCE DAY ALE" made from Apple pie, Frankfurters, and the scrapings of a well-oiled catcher's mitt. A unique taste to say the least. To say the most, a unique taste.

Its "LABOR DAY DOUBLE BOCK" features the sweat of its factory workers and includes on the label a picture of the donor of that bottle's sweat.

I sampled the Mike "BIG MOOSE" Jacobs and found it to be delightful.

The Saint Patrick's Day porter, dubbed "IRISH STEW" is made out of Irish stew. I found the parsnips to be overwhelming but the chunks of beef and potatoes enabled me to skip lunch.

I questioned the lack of sensitivity in the marketing of their Eater IPA called "BIG BUNNY HOPS" which includes on the label the ingredients of tender rabbit meat. But after a few sips I was sold and decided the cuteness of Bunnies is over rated.

The "THANKSGIVING DAY FESTIVAL BREW" includes only three ingredients: Crystalline water from the springs of Plymouth Rock, the actual fountain for the water used at the first Thanksgiving feast, Turkey, and Cranberry. It tasted odd but probably because it is so out of season.

"CHRISTMAS WISHES PILSNER" includes pine needles, peppermint, and tinsel along with the warning "do not bite the tinsel"

Of course the holidays brought out the creativity in the brew masters and the marketing department's use of the Thesaurus, but to fill the other three hundred and fifty odd days proved strenuous to both. It seems like some recipes were repeated but labeled with different adjectives. For example, I found the "February 8th "MID-WINTER LAGER BLUES" made with large and sophisticated hops blended wistfully with organic barley, and rustic malts to taste quite similar to the April 22nd Mid-Spring Delight" made with Pristine jumbo hops, earth grown barley and aged malts. The July 19th "DAM, ITS HOT OUT" included the fine fresh dander of young golden retrievers, and it tasted like it. The September 16th "WOOHOO! THE KIDS ARE BACK IN SCHOOL" blended oatmeal, raisins, pork chops, lemon rinds, hops, barley, alfalfa, and spanky. Hideous!

Clearly as the year wore on the stress proved too much for all involved but the show must go on and they persevered to close out the year with the December 29th "MID HOLIDAY WEEK LITE" made from "the same ingredients they make Coors lite from". The December 30th model "New Year's Eve…Eve" is shamelessly described as "A bottle of Miller 64 of which the label has been artfully removed and replaced with our own label, hand craftily applied by Boston Massacre's in house artful artist. For list of ingredients please refer to a Miller 64 bottle".

The New year's day "BASH BREW" however revised the excitement of the bold experiment by combining all the ingredient of the previous 365 days into one unforgettable brew, the ingredients along with their thousands of adjectives printed in a companion leather bound book that will make quite a collector's item…or shredded and boiled in water to make a paste for the ingredients for their as of yet to be named January 2nd offering.

The debut of the Boston Massacre 365 pack has been delayed due to beer distributers lack of enthusiasm on having to build an addition to their warehouse. Unfortunately, the public may never get to sample the product and the Boston Massacre brewery and its reach for the moon (REACH FOR THE MOON, July 21) will fade into myth (MYTH, April 1).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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