President Obama's Rutgers Speech: Let's Make Our Country One Giant Shit House

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Monday, 16 May 2016


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image for President Obama's Rutgers Speech: Let's Make Our Country One Giant Shit House


Hello Rutgers Class of 2016.

Today you join a long line of Scarlet Knights who are waiting patiently to use the restroom of your choice. When you came here four years ago, the last thing you envisioned is that today, you would still be waiting in the same line. During that time, many of you have changed your sexual designation more than once.

(Waiting for TelePrompter to update)

In politics and life, ignorance is not a virtue. So if you can't determine what your sexual identity is after 21 years, this generation is more f..ked up than even I could imagine.

WHOOPS!...Someone be messing with my TelePrompter.

In a world that is more interconnected than ever, there are some people that want to build walls. I want to ask you a simple question:

Does a bear shit in the woods?

(Waiting for answer)


Then why should we build walls around our country and our restrooms when bears can cross borders uninhibited and shit in the woods with impunity; not being questioned about their sexual identity?

(Waiting for muted applause)

From the audience: "F..K THE BEARS!" "GO PACKERS!"

I'm glad to hear that we have some Green Bay fans here at Rutgers. But seriously, building walls won't stop the Bears. Only a solid defense that works as a team can do that. I know Chicago. It's a tough town that even Billy Sunday couldn't shut down.

(Waiting for TelePrompter to update)

In closing, I would like to tell you what my dream is: My dream is that ever swinging dick and passive vagina sitting here in front of me can someday live in a world with no walls on the border and no doors in the restrooms!

(Waiting for applause to end)


Thank you. Good luck. God Bless you all. God Bless America!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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