The Transcendental Gambling Cult

Written by Auntie Matter

Sunday, 15 May 2016

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The Road to Bliss.

Investors on Wall Street are turning in droves to a new cult that is sweeping America. Spokesman for Scientology Tom Cruise has said it should be banned outright.

Officials of the Sri Swami Winner's cult called "Scientific Amerology" deny that it is a cult. They say it is a "natural philosophy" of the New Age that was incubated during the the 1960s Flower Power Movement in Los Angeles and has only now reached fruition. The late Timothy Leary has been credited with Amerology's main tenets. What do they believe?

1. You are only here by accident like the entire universe. But accidents are reversible. Control over accidents are what mortals call "good luck".
2. Best to make hay while the sun shines.
3. Making hay is expensive. Those who do not 'make hay' may one day have to eat it.
4. The way to afford it is to get lucky.
5. You were born to be lucky. But you must first get in touch with your "Good Luck Ray" which has been erroneously understood by many religions as "angels". Your Good Luck Ray is your actual "Guardian Angel" and everybody is allotted a special "Luck Ray" at birth. Your luck ray has a distinctive colour that is yours and yours alone.

Only those who have enrolled in the Amerology course are able to contact their Good Luck Ray. The fact that you have enrolled on an Amerology course means you are already lucky. Your Good Luck Ray has drawn you to the course. The longer you stay on it the luckier you will be.

Special tests with a unique machine called the "Scientific Sheeplecon" can determine how powerful or weak your Good Luck Ray is and how you can strengthen it. Frameable print-outs from the Sheeplecon are very expensive to purchase because the machine uses special batteries that have been prayed over by Sri. Swami Winner.

Through Sri Winner's special form of transcendental meditation participants on the course can expect a massive upturn in their investments within a year. If, after five years you have not experienced any good luck your money will be refunded.

Unfortunately, the course is very expensive which means you must be lucky already to be able to sign up to it. Course participants are called "Punteroos" and are given an amulet with a number on it that they must wear on their wrists always. To replace an amulet can be very, very expensive. Punteroos are also expected to wear jockey silks while they meditate. These silks are specially made in their own individual Luck Ray colour and can only be purchased from Sri. Swami Winner. Punteroos, it is interesting to note, do not meditate on prayer mats... but sit on leather saddles and from time to time whip themselves whenever their minds wander from their Luck Ray.

Nevertheless, the course has so far proved very popular indeed with many claims of success. How does it work?

Instead of beads, adherents roll dice for five minutes. If you roll a six you must say six prayers to your chosen God of Good Luck. This God you choose from a comprehensive list when you sign on. So far, the most popular God of Good Luck has been Hugh Hefner with George Clooney a close second. For women it has been Elvis Presley, Paul McCartney and Boy George. Rolling a six means you are close to your Good Luck Source. Rolling three sixes or more in a row allows you to crawl up a ladder of degrees. There are thirty three degrees to climb. If you get to the top of the ladder you are called a "Trainer".

If you roll a four you say four prayers etc. When your prayers are up you start over again until you attain sufficient enlightenment to be able to make your next successful wager on whatever gambling enterprise you may be engaged it, from winning the fair lady's hand or standing for office to bidding for shares in an African gold mine.

Winners are expected to make donate a percentage of their winnings to the Sri Swami Winner Foundation. The more you donate the more energy your Good Luck Ray will accrue.

There are books, CDs, videos etc available for your use and dice made of everything from ivory to diamonds to suit every taste.

Fully enlightened Punteroos get to join the Council of Foreign Relations. Trainers are automatically given a seat at the next Bilderberg conference and a free pass to Bohemian Grove.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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