The Case Against Recreation - Part 2: Gambling

Funny story written by Dick Sheerer

Friday, 31 July 2015


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for The Case Against Recreation - Part 2: Gambling
Odds Are Against You


The gambler's idea of having fun is playing a game and winning some money. But gambling is more of a sport than it is a form of entertainment, and like sports a player can win some games but most of the time they lose. And unlike a game of sports the losing player loses money, which is not a very entertaining. Those who think that it is entertaining are clinically diagnosed as being addicted to gambling.

It starts when they feel the thrill of winning a lot of money and it ends when they default on the debt to the loan shark who kills them. Meanwhile the seductive glitz and glamor of the gamblers' delusions of grandeur draws them to casinos like moths to a light bulb. Blinded by the need for greed they speed through the desert to the crap capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada, which means those lost vagabonds never had a chance.

The gamblers best friend is the slot machine, otherwise known as the "one-armed bandit". Unlike humans, gamblers trust them because they are less likely to cheat. And with the coin operated device it takes gamblers much longer to lose their life savings. Slot machines function with a lever that spins a row of images, usually different types of fruit. When the spinning stops, if the row of images matches, such as 3 apples, then it's a winner and all the coins inside that were robbed from previous gamblers spill out from the bottom.

The winners are ecstatically happy, unaware that each of those coins carries the curse of the losers from whom they came. Possession of the evil coins casts a magic spell on the winner who becomes possessed with an uncontrollably evil urge to squander it all like a drunken sailor. The unconscious attraction of these contraptions is based on the familiar phallic fixation symbolized by the long stiff lever situated in an erect position.

When gamblers grab and pump the handle down it stimulates the area of the brain that relates to erotic pleasure in anticipation of a win. When the spinning frenzy winds down, if the fruit images align in a matching sequence the ritual reaches a climax and signifies the inherent homosexuality of the player. At this point he must choose between gambling or heterosexuality. Likewise if the gambler loses all his money he may adjourn to the nearest men's room to make a few bucks-gay or not.

No matter how conservative or puritanical people are in their hometown, anything goes in a big city gambling Mecca like Las Vegas. It's the only place where they can go wild and do whatever the hell they want, because their nosey neighbors are far, far away-or else in Vegas doing the same thing. With repressed desires burning inside while they live their provincial life in the farm belt, sometimes a trip to Vegas is the only thing to maintain their sanity. If they don't release the pent up energy in an appropriate location it may explode unexpectedly in the wrong way, such as an affair with preacher, or incest.

Women can get guys for sex anywhere but a lot of guys get too attached, but in Vegas is they can easily find male prostitutes just for sex, with no strings attached. They don't feel like a slut because all the other women are there doing it too--if they aren't then they are shunned as outcasts and forced to leave town. It's a designated party town where partying is mandatory and party-poopers will get flushed down the toilet. Although the partiers flush their money down the toilet, at least they have a good time doing it. Hookers don't come cheap in Vegas, because a lot of men there never had sex before, especially with one of these gorgeous whores. The motels are like giant drive-thru fast-fuck vending machines; just deposit $500.for instant, though short-lived, gratification.

Sex is always available in variety of convenient forms. Massage parlors are for the shy types who want sex but are afraid to ask for it directly, so they use the massage as a way to get it. The girls like these guys because they can always tease them and charge way more money for sex, and if they don't pay then all they get is a lousy massage. So-called escort services are another form of sexual commerce mostly used by men who feel like losers because they can't get a date but want to be seen in public so no one else thinks they are losers.

This roundabout way of getting sex has the added expense of using the date as a status symbol. The more experienced, or cheaper, guys take a straightforward approach cruising the strip looking for whores to pick up and have sex with in the backseat of their car. But like everything else in Sin City it's a gamble especially at night when it's hard to see the details of a hooker in the shadows, and by the time she takes your money it's too late to find out that she is really a he. Another losing bet is having sex with a particularly sleazy whore whose STD cannot be prevented by a mere condom.

A common misunderstanding a lot of inexperienced men have about their relationship with a prostitute is that they mistakenly think the girl actually like them. The guy falls in love with the hooker and thinks that he is the only man she is screwing. The hustler hates guy but uses the situation to milk the maximum amount of money out of him. When a prostitute finally decides to retire and settle down, she chooses a rich target and seduces him into marrying her.

She starts a new life and never tells anyone the truth about her former career as a hooker. It makes you wonder just how many happily married housewives you know are actually former prostitutes who screwed ten guys a night. To play it safe it seems that wise men would assume that all women were whores, until proven otherwise. Conversely all wives should wonder how many whores their husbands screwed in the past-and how many illegitimate bastards will eventually come home to roost.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more