The New, Improved Pledge of Allegiance

Funny story written by The Ruling Authority

Monday, 7 March 2016

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As it now stands, the Pledge of Allegiance as commonly recited in schools and at sporting events and political rallies is too simple and easy. One can chew on it without really tasting the Constitution. It allows one to dress up in the flag feeling all patriotic, self-righteous, and godly when one may be, in reality, venal and totally corrupt.

Therefore, this New Pledge of Allegiance is proposed:

'In order to form a more perfect Union', I will try to obey the laws of the nation, including not driving more than five miles per hour above the posted speed limit. Neither will I tailgate nor cut off other drivers on the roadway.

To help 'establish Justice', I will not attempt to avoid jury duty, even though it is inconvenient to my lifestyle and a non-paying use of my valuable time.

To do my part to 'provide for the common defense' and to 'promote the general Welfare', I will not cheat on my taxes (although I will deduct every shoelace and paperclip that I legitimately can).

Because it is vitally important to 'secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and to our Posterity', I will pay attention to the reality of the political situation and I will exercise my duty to vote 'with neither fear nor favor' in every primary and election in my district, even if the weather report calls for heavy rain that day.

Lastly, to 'insure domestic Tranquility', I will try not to be an asshole, neither at home nor in public, even if my father-in-law comes to visit. It will be difficult, but I shall do the best that I can, given my inherent nature.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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