The Case Against Technology- Part 9: Aircraft

Funny story written by Dick Sheerer

Wednesday, 22 July 2015


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If man were meant to fly he would have been born with wings is an old cliché that still holds true today. Nevertheless people continue to defy natural law trying to do what they were not meant to do -- with disastrous results. Aircraft were invented by people who were afraid of water so they decided to use the sky instead. Their fear of drowning blinded them to the hazards of gravity. The urge to fly is another example of the failure of humans to evolve beyond their animalistic nature.

Man's attempt to release his inner bird has grown into a full-blown science called aeronautics. Although the original idea of flight was based the bird, man-made flight bares little resemblance to his fine feathered friend. Our evolution is really reverse evolution resulting in degenerative mutations such as the absence of wings. It would certainly explain why so many people are degenerates.

Another perverse complication with the airplane is its design that looks less like a bird than a huge penis with wings. Female flight attendants work their way up and down the narrow isle while the pilot and copilot, usually male, sit side by side behind closed doors in a closet-like compartment called the "cockpit". They do not disclose their private activities while in flight, so passengers only hear about the illegal drinking binges on news reports later.

Hot Air Balloons- Thermal airship is the technical term for this huge balloon. It was the first aircraft ever invented, and like the inventor they were full of hot air.

Blimps- another early attempt at manned flight was with the blimp, also known as a dirigible, or zeppelin. Right from the start it was destined to fail as a mode of transportation, as witnessed by the most notorious blimp of them all -- the Hindenberg. It was famous for the way it flew, until it crashed and burned instead. Old photos of the spectacular catastrophe serve as a constant reminder that blimps were a very bad idea. Blimp pilots are afraid to fly airplanes.

They feel nice and safe floating around slowly at low altitudes because they are cowards. And their low intellect matches the low-tech mechanics of the blimp. The vessel was designed by Air Force engineers to look like a big fat bomb. Its sole purpose was to intimidate enemy ground forces with the daunting specter of being blown to smithereens by a doomsday dirigible.

It was a brilliant concept until it was quickly shot down. Its military deployment was a textbook example of how to lose a war. In a sane society the history of the blimp would have ended there. But it still serves a practical decoy function hovering over crowded stadiums to remind everyone about all the nuclear bombs that may drop on us at any moment.

The origin of this contraption dates way back to 400 BC when a simplified version was a toy that kids played with. Later in 1480 Leonardo DiVinci came up with a better design and called it an "aerial screw", and because of that name no one took it seriously. After that, any credibility DiVinci had left was soon lost when he strapped a pair of wings on the village idiot and pushed him off a cliff in an attempt to invent the airplane.

The Wright brothers are generally credited with the invention of the airplane. Although it was the wrong thing to do, people mistook the name Wright to mean right -- as in correct -- and because of that misunderstanding we now have these things that are wrong for society. Everyone watching their early aeronautical experiments thought the two brothers were nothing more than a couple of lunatics.

But when the primitive plane went airborne folks then realized there was a method to their madness. People are so amazed with airplanes that they buy tickets just to risk their lives flying on them. Advocates of air travel like to boast that it's safer than traveling by car. Tell that to the thousands of plane crash victims who spent their final minutes of life in a state of sheer horror. They all wished they never even looked at a plane.

Jets- The airplane eventually evolved into a highly sophisticated supersonic version called a jet. The new jet engine generated tremendous propulsion to thrust the craft forward. It was an innovative advancement that replaced the humble old propeller. The only problem is that it's too sophisticated for 99.999999999% of the population to fix without the help of a certified mechanic.

Spacecraft- The aircraft idea taken to the ultimate extreme resulted in the spacecraft. The extremist inventors were mad scientists in the aeronautics industry who thought they were so smart building wingless aircraft that could fly into space. Little did they know that no air existed in outer space. Nor did they care because it wasn't them who were going there.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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