The Cast Against Technology- Part 5: Fossil Fuels

Written by Dick Sheerer

Wednesday, 22 July 2015


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Global Heating


Like the dinosaurs these filthy fuels should have stayed buried underground. But true to form, energy companies dredged them up from hell to burn us all to hell.

Oil- This grimy goop represents the filthy slime of the industry executives who suck the sludge up from dwindling reserves without reservation. The drilling method is a perverted ritual that symbolizes a gargantuan masturbatory ejaculation exercise culminates in a spectacular oily orgasm, shooting the crude fluid up and out with such exuberance that its stock holders feel like cock holders. They celebrate by spilling tens of thousands of barrels of it into the sea, the same way sports teams spill champagne over each other after a big win.

Natural Gas- Gas is the earthbound equivalent of a human fart, but not as smelly. Its raw state is odorless so gas companies add a fart-like aroma to it, slightly less repugnant than a real fart, but just enough to let you know that something foul is in the air.

The aroma is a safety requirement because methane gas is extremely noxious to breathe; one whiff of the vicious vapor causes instant death, like a canary in a coalmine. The environmentally devastating extraction process is a catastrophic combination of toxic chemistry and costly contamination. But other than that it's a relatively cheap and clean source of fuel for causing fatal fires and explosions. It's the colossal fool's fossil fuel of choice.

Coal- A dirty black rock mined by roaming packs of humans who burrow deep underground to rip it from the bowels of the earth. Its primary purpose is to spew thick dark clouds of carbon dioxide from smoking stacks, which then showers down, on forests as acid rain. Its secondary purpose is to cause respiratory disease. Its tertiary purpose is to create jobs for people who will get black lung, the respiratory disease.

A common hazard coal miners face is the inevitable cave-in that traps minors for weeks without food or water. It's all fun and games at first as they laugh about getting paid overtime for not working. But things turn sour later when excessive thirst forces them to drink urine, and starvation leads to cannibalism. Between cave-ins minors in the backwoods of Appalachia are prone to fits of macho rage when mill workers make a mockery out of their livelihood by comparing their entrance of the mineshaft to an anal cavity. Union minors, a proud breed known for their excuses, reacted violently with a major strike that put the company out of business and the minors out of a job.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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