Written by Dick Sheerer

Tuesday, 21 July 2015


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Political Animals

Though we hate to admit it human beings are an animal species that evolved from the suborder Anthropoidea (apes). Despite our more advanced state of intellectual development we're still stuck with primitive behavioral tendencies that dictate our destiny. This is evident in the way political systems function. The power struggles among politicians resemble a herd of water buffalo where the strongest, most aggressive bull snorts, stomps and jabs his way into the dominant position. He similarly mates with anyone he chooses, and leaves a trail of bullshit in his wake. Congress is like a giant pig sty full of wild bores bloviating boring speeches, and hogging tax money to buy barrels of pork to trade for votes in their home districts. The follow-the-leader power structure is clearly a remnant of the political pecking order seen in the animal kingdom. A politician and their constituents are like a Judas cow leading the herd to slaughter, the followers' fate is at the mercy of their leader.

So humans indeed carry the same political traits that animals exhibit, and if we trace the roots even further back down the evolutionary ladder the true origin of the politician is found at a level closer to a worm or germ. In their defense politicians argue that germs are an essential part of the eco-system, as are cockroaches, snakes, rats, and other vermin - all god's creatures. And when convicted of mass murder they can simply designate themselves as an endangered species to avoid the death penalty.

Republicans like to associate themselves with the elephant, a grotesque image of lethargic obesity, and thought to have a long memory - which explains their conservative anal-retentive fixation on policies of a bygone era. They lumber through the environment ripping trees from the ground, devouring them by the ton, and dumping piles of smelly dung, the huge volume of which indicates a distinct scatological perversion.
The democrats are represented the jackass, another freak of nature with its own set of issues, few of which are political. The horse-like creature is the result of rampant inbreeding over the course of many generations, but not in Southern Appalachia as one would naturally suspect. Although the sound of the terms jack and ass conjures tempting ideas, Southerners on the other hand are proud of their thoroughbred heritage insofar as horses -- and bestiality -- are concerned. Jackasses are known for their stubbornness (which may be mistaken for laziness), their annoying heehaw vocalization (which relates to the limited vocabulary spoken by lower-class members of the party), and kicking their hind legs up (which relates to kickbacks paid to politicians).

The national symbol for the U.S. is the eagle, a mean-looking predatory fowl that supposedly represents freedom. The bird is an endangered species, much like the thing it represents. Other symbolic birds used are the hawk and dove, representing pro-military and anti-war factions, respectively. Political animal symbolism is widespread and commonly accepted as normal, and therein lays the problem. For all the high-minded rhetoric we're no different than a pack of rats in a rat race disguised as the human race. It's a dog-eat-dog world where people scratch and claw constantly back-stabbing each other in cut-throat competition just for one small piece of the pie-in-the-sky, while politicians feed at the public trough. It doesn't have to be that way but it is.

No serious political reform can be implemented without considering the human condition as essentially an animal condition. Despite all the pretense of being civilized, let's face it, if it wasn't for the strong law enforcement presence anarchy would soon prevail. History has shown how fast humans revert to their animal state when their survival is threatened. In fact many humans act like vicious animals all the time.

Human beings are by nature savage beasts because they:

• Go into a rage yelling and screaming profanities anytime any place. Blaming it on insanity, but it's their normal state.

• Rob from each other like weasels raiding a bird's nest or like Wall Street tycoons cheating the elderly out of their life savings.

• Physically fight each other resulting in serious injury and death. They even make a sport out of it with violent games.

• Harrass, grope, sexually assault and rape helpless women, and even hog-tie and torture them just for fun.

• Kidnap and molest children, and cut the hearts out of babies and drink their blood in satanic rituals.

• Wage major wars that have killed billions of people over the course of a thousand years.

In fact, even animals aren't as savage as human beings are. Regular animals are self-governed by the law of the wild, and are only as savage as they need to be to survive. But humans have a malicious attitude, they don't need to be such beasts but they are out of spite.

Society is like a zoo, and the police are like zookeepers. If the zookeepers didn't enforce the law society would soon collapse as people regressed back to being wild animals, and the out-of-control hordes would destroy all of civilization in a matter of months. On our present course overpopulation will cause major rioting, terrorism, and war. Increasing the police force won't help because the police are only human too, and will eventually join the mob in a mass of madness. This is our inevitable future unless we prepare to meet the challenge with decisive action. But how? One solution would be to use surgical implants to control the mass of lawless marauders. We have the technology, a simple microchip would do the job. The net effect of using such a device wouldn't be any worse than being controlled by police. In many ways it would even be better.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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