Campain In The Ass

Funny story written by Dick Sheerer

Wednesday, 10 June 2015


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The overarching attribute required of any presidential contender is to be a megalomaniac. There is certainly no shortage of them in politics but only a relative few have the wherewithal to wheel-and-deal, and back-stab their way up to the primaries. Because only a few are so desperate and depraved, and so addicted to power, to see that their blind ambition has led them to the point of no return. It's a despicable spectacle of political ridicule.

The Primaries- These elections, in sports playoff terms, are the semi finals. It's a divide-and-conquer situation where candidates divide themselves in one party, and are conquered by the other party.
Primary debates are veritable feeding frenzies, where candidates further cannibalize each other to political death. Irrespective of how the media portrays their campaigns, the primary season is all about candidates making their rounds state-by-state, pretending to be friendly, giving speeches, and making equal yet conflicting promises to communities that have diametrically opposed interests. An effective leader must demonstrate that he's a man of the people - or else the people will have his head. So it's more like a traveling stage show with performers acting the part, reading from 50 designated scripts, written and recited in 50 different dialects each targeting the specific political interests of every demographic. Meanwhile the real action takes place behind closed doors in smoke-filled rooms, raising funds in exchange for future services rendered - if elected. Among the horde of contenders, only one from each party will win. And the loser's fate is usually financial ruin and political limbo.

The General Election-
After the broad field of candidates spends months ruining each others reputation with slanderous hit pieces, mudslinging, and ripping themselves to shreds, no one is left unscathed. The careers of all are mortally wounded and they slough off into obscurity as disgraced losers who wasted millions of their donors' dollars. Only two will survive. Battered and bruised, licking their wounds, they rise from the ashes and fly to Phoenix, Arizona with a stop-over in Las Vegas to lose some donated cash and partake in some sex scandals, before hopping on the bus and criss-crossing the country groveling for support like two homeless bums.

The candidates get a much-needed ego boost when crowds of simple folks come out to cheer with excitement because their lives are so boring until the campaign circus comes to town. It doesn't take much to win their vote, which will switch just as soon as the other candidate shows up. Each stop along the campaign trail is like a one-act play. The star of the show comes out with the same routine time-after-time, but it always looks fresh and spontaneous because they are such talented con-artists. Rural voters are easily fooled by big-time, city-slicker politicians who spend most of their time campaigning in rural areas. Appearances in urban areas run the risk of assassination attempts by voters who aren't so easily fooled.

The rivals continue their mutual assault of bashing and smashing, bruising and accusing, blaming and shaming until they both look more or less like equal losers. But voters have no other choice, and out of sympathy they elect the underdog who is the more decrepit of the two. Because the average voter can associate with the poor weak and worn candidate who they think is closer to them in their own state of decrepitude. And they are correct, but it doesn't matter because if elected, the decrepit new president will be in the elite class and will have nothing to do with any voters - unless they vote with money.

Political Profiles of Prospective Presidents

The scary thing is that any one of these scoundrels can end up in the Oval Office. A look at the roster of past presidents proves that almost anyone can win. There seems to be no clear qualifications for the job other than playing the part of a puppet. Here's a partial list of candidates:

Hillary Clinton-
Her presidential ambition is analogous to a dog in heat, sniffing the scent all the way back to mark her spot on the White House lawn again. But she's barking up the wrong tree because her matrimony moaned on that mattress many moons ago. If this female wins the White House she will rename the Oval Office the Ovary Office.

Jeb Bush-
The Bush name is associated with a royal bloodline. But the Jeb name is associated with a slovenly inbred Southern redneck alligator hunter, sittin' in the swamp cooking up moonshine and betting on cockfights. The name Jeb also has a favorable association to the name Jed Clampit, the Beverley Hillbilly who struck it rich. So common folks feel their luck will change by voting for this type of Bush man, who just so happens to be an oil man too.

Chris Christie- He first gained popularity because his name sounds like a sensational pop star exuding effervescent charisma and good looks. Sight unseen, people imagine him to be a glamorous heart-throb with a svelt physique and charming personality. But when they finally see him that image comes crashing to the floor. He looks and acts like the stereotypical New Jersey mobster, a swaggering political pig and shameless glutton. And his jail cell will also be inescapable once the long arm of the law reaches him. The tough-talking, gut-bulging slob will be out of job even before the election is lost. His body mass index belies any credit to his virtue mass index. Ratio: VMI = 1% BMI = 99%

Carly Fiorina- The only motivation behind her candidacy, besides being an unbridled megalomaniac, is the need to change her public persona as an abject failure as CEO of Hewlett Packard, where she lost billions in stack value and laid off 40,000+ employees, then was fired with a golden parachute worth tens of millions. After she lost the California Senate election to Barbara Boxer she stiffed her campaign staff, withholding their pay for years until she announced her candidacy for POTUS. Of all the unmitigated gall.

Mike Huckabee- Despite his very own TV show - or because of it - he is an obscure candidate. With little else going for him, he's banking on a traditional American name association with Huckleberry Finn. But he's more like a huckster hustling for votes. He figures that if Jimmy Carter can do it, then anyone can.

Rand Paul- His name spelled backward sounds too much like Also Ran. Nevertheless he remains a viable contender until he depletes all the gold stored in Fort Knox.

Rick Santorum- Since the media meme that defined his name as an anal sex fluid discharge went viral this poor guy has (rightly) suffered the most humiliating disgrace that any politician has ever experienced. No pun intended, but he had it coming. Ironically he may get a groundswell of support from people who feel sorry for the pitiful pol. But even if the sympathy vote carries him into office his presidency will forever mar America with the stain of shame.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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