CIA HQ under a tanning bed in a wellness hotel somewhere in a posh part of London has just sent this life threatening report!
Jaggedone's CIA star lifestyle reporter, Shaggy Daddy-Brownlegs, has crawled out of the gutter into a very posh wellness hotel and brown, white Caucasian x-treme tanner, Laura May McMullan, told him, whilst lying under the sun yet again, the following story.
Well it all started when I looked like a milk bottle with freckles and the boys used to laugh at me. I popped over to Torremolinos for a quick package deal and came back looking like a lobster and was hooked! Ever since then I spend my entire life either lying under sunbeds or on the beach in Spain, Greece or Italy hoping that a gigolo or two just might fancy a bit of burnt crisp for afters, nod, nod, wink, wink! Sadly, I overdid it a bit and now have got a nice dose of skin cancer and am still a virgin!
People did warn me about the risks but living in Essex, we babes don't listen to anybody because we all walk around like it; white tanned tarts and our hero is Jordan, and we all wanna look like that sun-tanned, plastic bitch!
Now I'm warning all of you UK milk bottles out there, it aint worth it because I spent thousands looking brown and still haven't got laid, so just stay as you are, a cancer free virgin!"
Being the CIA (Cockroach Infiltration Army) we really do not give a crap about such stupidity and if you must turn black or brown or crispy then go and have a paint job, cheaper and cancer free!
Who the hell is Jordan and who the hell wants to look like this???
Here's a clue: