Everybody's Nuts!

Written by Ray Bellew

Sunday, 19 October 2014

Doctor Paul Adams is a discount psychiatrist who claims he can save people money by proving that they are nuts in half the time it takes most psychiatrists. I sat down with him to talk about it.

"Doctor Adams," I asked, "do you always try and prove that your patients are nuts?"

"Always. Every time."

"So you must think that everybody's nuts."

"Absolutely, and here's the problem. Most people think that they might be nuts, but they are not quite sure."

"And that's where you come in."

"Right. Every patient walks out of my office knowing full well that they are certifiably crazy. And that's a huge burden off there shoulders. They no longer have to walk around thinking, "Am I nuts, or what?"

"So there is no more indecision on the part of your patients. Is that what you are saying?"

"Exactly. Knowing for sure that they are nuts gives my patients peace of mind."

"Doctor Adams,how long does it usually take you to convince your patients that they are nuts?

"Not long. One or two sessions and that's where patients save money by using me. Some psychiatrists see their patients for years. They use all kind of crap they learned in school trying to treat them."

"You don't use what you learned in school?"

"What school?"

"You didn't go to school? You have to be a medical doctor and then get certified to become a psychiatrist."

"If you say so. But let me ask you something. Who do you think will win the next World Series?"

"The Cubs."

"You're nuts!"

"Good to know."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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