We stole a copy of the new FIFA 15 game because we heard it was so amazing. We then had to steal a wide screen TV a PS4 and break into a hotel room so we could play the dam thing and give you this glittering review.
For those of you who don't know what a "FIFA 15" is it's the game developed by a group of above the law tie wearing muppets who have destroyed the global game. However hats off to those same corrupt morons who have 50 bad ideas a day of which 51 are bad as they have made this FIFA more realistic. The new features include.
1. The Mourinho whinge feature. During games which don't involve Jose Mourinhos sides his face will appear in a tiny box and spout pointless nonsense and gripes about what's going on.
2. The Suarez takes a nibble button. Pressing R3 and square together allows Luis Suarez to bite an opponent. The realism is ramped up by the fact the game doesn't ban the cunt for life but gives him a virtual fine. Which like a real world one
3. Dive! Dive! Dive! Every player can dive further than a submarine. The new skill feature will see players roll from the half way line to the opponents penalty box in attempt to win penalties.
4. While playing as Eastern European sides you can pick your own racist chants.
5. The new "World Cup" feature will take the tournament to a bunch of random countries to mimic FIFA's actual selection process. It's a way of expanding the games global appeal according to one developer. So expect to be playing on frozen covered tundra in Iceland and on bomb marked pitches in the Gaza strip.
6. The "Unsettled Player" feature where your teams players will become "unsettled" when they are spoke about in relation to anything.
7. The "biased punishments rule" if you're a team that makes FIFA a tonne of cash than your indiscretions will be swept under the carpet and ignored. Fix a league? Don't worry if you're Milan you can still play in Europe.
There's many other amazing features in the game that we don't have time to go through today but we heard that you can actually score with Fernando Torres on this version.