CONSUMER NEWS - POTS AND KETTLES ACCUSE EACH OTHER OF COVERT BLACKNESS
The incidence of name calling between kitchen implements has reached shocking new heights. That was the claim made by Mrs I. Liesalot of Manchester yesterday. Ms Liesalot, who has handed the manufacturer of her newly purchased pot and kettle with court documents, says she and her family have not slept in weeks. Said Mrs Liesalot
"We are claiming compensation against the designers of these accursed argumentative water heating contraptions Ever since we purchased our new pot and kettle, they have done nothing but argue about what colour they are suppose to be. Twice now we have had the police at our door because of their savage and protracted outbursts and things are only getting worse. The kettle is getting more and more shrill and the pot has been boiling up with rage more times than we care to keep count of. They are accusing each other of being black and rusty".
MIDNIGHT RECORDINGS AS OWNERS SEEK COMPENSATION PACKAGE
So unsettling has the conduct of these troublesome appliances become, Mrs Liesalot decided to record one late night exchange on her mobile phone. She left the device in the kitchen for just this purpose and then raced to produce transcripts of what was said. She sent the Spoof a sample of the water boiling pair's ugly slanging match. Said Mrs L,
"This is the sort of stuff we have to put up with every night of our lives".
KETTLE TO POT : You are one rusty bastard of a pot. You are supposed to be blue just like the other pots and pans but you are not. Talk about letting the side down. You are as black as the Arctic night is long. The fact that you are levelling the exact same allegation against me demonstrates an act of breath-taking hypocrisy. Your double standards are so jaw-dropping to me that I could swallow a three coach train just about now, were such a thing to be hurtling in my direction. By which I mean to convey that I am all astonishment, such is the depths and audacity of your misguided delusions of blueness and grandeur. You are not worth arguing with. I am telling our owners that you should be palmed off to the nearest charity shop asap.
POT TO KETTLE Good luck with that, you racist idiot. Everyone knows how stupid kettles are. Cretinism is your default position. You are by definition stupid, the proof being that if you had not been born stupid. you wouldn't be a kettle in the first place. The only reason you believe yourself to be red and not black is that someone slipped some LSD into your water and made tea with it, and everyone started hallucinating, including you, and in that highly suggestible, stoned condition, someone told you that you were red and now you keep having flashbacks, which is why you don't even know what colour you actually are.
KETTLE TO POT Oh fuck off, why don't you, and don't talk to me about hallucinogens. Not when the owners are always using your sorry arse to help them chase the dragon every five minutes. Heroin is an even bigger intoxicant than acid. It's no wonder you think you're blue and not black. You are CONSTANTLY wasted. I an sick and tired of you lowering the tone around here.
POT TO KETTLE: I very much beg to differ. It is all your fault, you diabolical Kettle-Featured clown. You are making this kitchen look like a shit heap, with your colour clashing antics. Nothing else in this room is remotely black except you. You are making it so nobody wants come to the house, you utter bastard. They all think we are scruffs because of you. You can see them nudging each other and muttering about how black you are and how nothing else in the kitchen is black. I hope you are satisfied, you absolute fornicator.
KETTLE TO POT: You are semen of swine. I have to go and make a cup of tea now but you have sooooo not heard the end of this, you deranged, hypocritical one trick water boiling pony. Just watch this space.
HUSBAND VOWS TO COLLECT THOUSANDS AS FAMILY PETS SUFFER TORMENT
Hubby, Mr I Liesalot was quick to point out the terrible influence this constant bickering and name-calling was having on the family pets.
"Our cat hasn't been seen in days and the dog is a nervous wreck. Even the rabbit can hear them and it lives all the way down the bottom of the garden. It shakes constantly and has at least two fits with it all. Probably more 'cos we aren't really counting. Anyway, we had no choice but to go to law".
LITIGIOUS PAIR EYE THOUSANDS IN COMPENSATION
The trauma caused to the family and its pets could be worth thousands in compensation and anxious kettle and pot manufacturers the world over are eyeing events with a fearful air and monitoring the progress of the court case with rapt attention. None were available for comment.
Pam Ryan
September 2014
