Thirteen years and one day after the September 11th attacks, a new report has risen suggesting that the tobacco companies may have been behind the attacks in an effort to get more people smoking.
According to a former executive, who would only release the classified information upon anonymity, it was not al-Qaeda behind the hijackings and crashing of three airliners on September 11th, 2001, but rather a collaboration of the tobacco companies.
"They were losing smokers at the time," said the former executive behind a huge cloud of smoke to conceal his face, "so some of the guys at the top decided something big needed to be done. So big, they got the others [tobacco companies] involved."
That "Something big," according to the secret source, who smoked a constant stream of cigarettes during the interview, sometimes even two at a time, was recruit 16 dying cancer patients for a suicide mission, and, in exchange, give their left-behind families a very lucrative financial deal. A sort of Walter White foreshadowing.
"I mean, these guys figured they were going to die anyways, and, you know, they wanted to leave their families with something, so they said 'What the hell,' and went through with it," the source said. "It took quite a bit of time and diligence to find the right guys."
Men of Middle-Eastern descent, explained the source, were chosen as an obvious scapegoat.
"They figured if they choose terrorist-looking guys, people would suspect it was real terrorists behind the attack," informed the source as tapped out his waning cigarette.
"Everyone was surprised, though, just how willingly the guys were to kill people. And if you look past the thousands of victims, widows, parent-less children, dead soldiers and civilians, in addition to the billions upon billions of dollars spent on the cleanup, the subsequent war, the improved security everywhere, and just all the other stuff that came up as a result of the attacks, you really see just how loving and caring kind of guys the hijackers were."
Tobacco's plan, said the source, was to use the tragedy as of way of creating high-levels of depression and stress across the country, thus, making people reach for the pack and lighter.
"What can I say?" said our source as he took the first draws of a freshly-lit cigarette, "The tobacco companies have nothing but the best for you in mind."
In addition to increased anxiety and subsequent tobacco hunger, the smoldering towers and Pentagon were to serve as a subliminal message.
"The towers were supposed to be two burning cigarettes," the source said, "and they were going for a kind of burning cigarette dangling out of an ash tray type deal with the Pentagon, but I didn't really see it."
What about the plane in the Pennsylvania field, though?
"Complete coincidence."
Furthermore, when asked to explain why the tobacco companies would do something so deplorable in an attempt to gain more customers, our source, smoking his third cigarette in about 5 minutes, simply uttered one name: "Jared."
The late-90's was about the time when Jared Fogle and his remarkable weight loss story, that included his old pants that could engulf a family of five, hit televisions across the country via a series of Subway commercials that promised a healthier lifestyle through eating their sandwiches.
"That formerly morbidly-obese man, and his huge ass walking to Subway, really put a scare in the tobacco industry that the country was going to go healthy and turn on tobacco," said the former executive. "So really, America, you have Jared Fogle and his formerly fat ass to thank for September eleventh."
