SIMILAR2 - A Computer Program to Make you Famous

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Thursday, 31 July 2014

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SIMILAR2's Answer to Writer's Block.

A new computer program called "SIMILAR2" has been devised by a leading publishing agency in London. Arnold Galbraith, the inventor, and rumoured to be a 33rd Degree Freemason whose father was allegedly a Jesuit priest in charge of Vatican Publicity, told our "Nabbed" reporter:

"We developed SIMILAR2 for our own writers. Basically, all writing is a matter of ideas, so we figured to help people find them, that's all. No biggee. It cuts down our editing time at the agency considerably. The movie industry simply cannot wait around these days for fresh and original ideas to work from, so we figured we would give our imposters... I mean... writers... a leg up."

When our reporter pointed out to Arnold that this was dishonest, he merely laughed:
"We are talking about fiction dear boy. It is all lies to begin with. Moreover, the end product justifies the means, even in literature."

SIMILAR2 is essentially a plagiarism program. Apparently perfectly legal and fully endorsed by Rowling's partner and lawyer, the elusive Neil Blair, it works like this.

You present a brief outline of your intended novel or story to the program and it exhibits an entire series of 'similar' plots from its very exhaustive stash of world literature. You simply select a storyline that appeals to you and, with the press of a button, you can change the names of characters, attributes, settings, endings etc. Plot and character twists are suggested.

You then go into what is called "The Camouflage Suite" that enables you to disguise the origins of your "borrowings".

Last but not least, it presents you with"precedents" in the event you might come up with a best seller and have to explain the origins of your work to the world.

Most stories have precedents but SIMILAR2 gives precedents and their actual sources in chapter and verse all the way back to the Old Testament.

"All you have to do is give us the manuscript. Our team of writers will sift it for mistakes and anomalies and you are on your way." said Arnold. "A twelve year old kid could master it in an afternoon."

Once your storyline, characters and scenes have been fleshed out, SIMILAR2 then helps you with chapter structure, scene placement, endings and even a preface explaining exactly the bogus intellectual provenance of your masterpiece... how you had been starving in a garret in Paris, had to burn your slaved-over beloved manuscripts in the winter in order to keep warm, etc, etc.

"Our experience is..., "explained Arnold, "that if people like your story they will readily believe any twaddle you tell them about how you came to write it. As I say, it is all lies anyway, so there is nothing illegal about it so long as you put in a disclaimer somewhere in the text where nobody will look."

The Camouflage Suite suggests fictional episodes from your own 'life' that might give credence to the origins of your story should anyone doubt your genius. Such suggestions are fed into the preface or introduction. A story high in drama for instance may require 'experiences' of trauma or misfortune. Suggestions are plentiful. Adventure may require visits to countries you may not even have heard of, etc.

SIMILAR2, calling on the biographies of world renowned authors and personalities will readily supply what you need including fake photographs of the author on the top of Everest if need be. The program will even furnish you with false 'evidence' that you stayed in such and such hotel or apartment in any city in the world. Everything you may need in fact from false passport pages to phoney letters addressed to you at phoney addressed all stamped and dated. Any number of suggestions are thus provided to help you cover your tracks.

Blair reportedly said; "MI5 have been a big help in the design of the program. My old partner Christopher Little would have loved it." He later retracted both statements.

"Our writers here at the Loyola Publishing Group are thrilled with it," said Arnold puffing a large cigar.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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