Off your Facebook

Funny story written by Dirk Action

Monday, 30 June 2014

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I find it ridiculous to accuse the glorious and magnificent all-powerful Facebook being of manipulating my emotions. I was logged in for an hour this morning and found it very enlightening to rapidly assimilate the Cyrillic alphabet. Must reach Kremlin. If my emotions were manipulated surely I'd be ecstatic that England are out of the World Cup and I'm not. Mainly because they are still in it according to a feeling I now can't escape. Fifty flags and a sticker book please.

The very idea that psychological experiments are manipulating sales is far-fetched. It was simply the fifty delicious pot noodles I had this morning which made me happy.

There was a slight side effect of spending a long time logged in, admittedly. But if you can't stay positive just because your bathroom mirror reveals your face has turned into a shifting multi-faceted big yellow emoticon then when can you be happy? Sad! Happy? Angry! Delighted?

The only time social media has manipulated me was when Friends Re-united was such a novelty I mistakenly assumed the urge to get back in touch with complete wankers from school and lie that I was a successful secret assassin with my own gold-plated helicopter, as opposed to living on the dole with my Mum.

If my emotions really were being manipulated I might have been persuaded not to say to my girlfriend yesterday: 'When I said I wanted a woman to grow old with, I didn't mean overnight'.

I can't really blame Facebook for being on the sofa this week.

A tad odd though that the 'like' button now says 'adore your leader'.

Like. Follow. Obey.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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