Fake Contracts

Funny story written by walter

Monday, 9 December 2013

The USA's Office of Commercial and Business Affairs promotes and protects U.S. business interests in foreign countries. Period!

The following story is fictitious. The conversation took place between a fully authorized representative of PKKT (Phobio-Klepto-Kakisto-Theocracy) government and a giant US Corporation. The PKKT's man was a cook-help in the kitchens of American families in 1970s when he leaned some English, a rare qualification. The cook-help was sent to USA on diplomatic mission to sign a multimillion-dollar contract with a giant US corporation with no experience in digging for diamonds in land void of traces of diamond.

Escuse me, sir, a two-way(mutual) friend said you are in Diamond business. Cool. I, on behalf of my respective government came all the way here to sign a contract with you: you dig for diamonds in our territory and we pay you whatever you ask ASAP. Money no problem. We are rich oil country. We pay cash-on-no-delivery. I mean, you send men, equipment, very large pipes and derricks so that our people can see the construction.

Escuse me, speak slow. My English in the kitchen very good. Interpreters? No, they cannot be trusted. They are Zionists' agents! Don't you worry. How much you want your first check be? Of course, minus percentage commission for me and top top boss. What are you waiting for? We like win-win deals. What is the name of my country? I cannot say it loud. You know what I mean: microphones in the wall! No, no. My writing English no good. I can wisper in you ear.

Don't panic, mister. We are your good friends. We brag a lot to fool our stupid people. We cannot even harm a fly. For local consumption, yes, we bluff. On TV we claim we captured American spies. What spies? On video clips, yes. Did we really try them, no. We very nice nice people. Then what is the problem? I know there is no diamond in my territory? We want to sign a deal with you. Delivery is not important. When you finish the installation in several places. After no delivery, we pay you full, of course, minus our commission. You pay our commission, and you get whatever you want. The more we pay you, the more commission we get. That simple. We mean business. A friend recommended you. Trust, trust, trust me,

I want you to sheep(ship) your machinery, tools, electric(pneumatic) shovels(hammer), graders, cranes, bulldozers etc ASAP, start digging. That simple. You don't need to actually do exploration; on paper yes but not in the field. What do you mean by reconnaissance. Soil what? Forget it. We pay the cost of this whatmecallit. Don't you worry at all. I will drop some cracked diamond pieces into the sample so that we can show it to my big boss for formality.

Mister, we are not in a hurry. Postpone the imaginary dates of delivery when there is a need for it. We provide the sites to be explored and you bring in you technicians. As soon as the equipment get in, you start. Mark my words! We need a lot of CDs, video clips, and pictures for local consumption.

Mister? Do they serve sheep's head here? Very delicious and very good for ***. If you find me a head, I'll cook it for you.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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