"This Ain't Willie Nelson's Farm-Aid"

Funny story written by The Ruling Authority

Thursday, 21 November 2013

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Let Them Eat Cake

So says Frank N. Beans, a struggling California marijuana grower who will probably not be eligible to receive subsidies or crop insurance under the proposed farm bill now being considered in the U.S. House of Representatives.

"They gonna cut $40 billion in food aid for the poor over the next ten years and give 'bout $15 billion a year to the big guys," he says. "I cain't 'ford no lobbyist nor 'tribute to no congressman 'lection fund like they can, so they git the gravy and the little guy gits to lick the plate."

Mr. Beans may have a point. With food aid to the poor legislatively conflated with subsidies to agricultural producers, the pie has to be divided somehow, and those with the loudest financial voices may indeed prevail.

For instance, Happy Pony Farms, a subsidiary of the agri-giant Fructo-Corn Corporation may receive crop insurance on the testicles of its polo pony stud stock if school lunch programs can be pared a bit further than they have been cut to date.

And with the present glut in world stocks of soy and corn, Fruct-Corn will need to be paid more not to grow those crops on much of its acreage so as not to further reduce commodity prices. For that aim to succeed, the present $4 per day per food stamp recipient must needs be reduced beyond the $5 billion already cut in that program.

In response to questions about the fairness of the proposed bill, Rep. Tom Will Pander (R-Iowa) said, "We need to balance the budget of this great nation so we can long endure. You can't please everyone and people can't expect to suck on the government teat forever. It's simple economics, you know?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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