El Porco D'Oro - The Golden Pig

Written by Auntie Matter

Sunday, 13 October 2013

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Is Animal Farm on the Way?

The team behind the phenomenal "Price is Right" have launched a new TV game show. Called "EL PORCO D'ORO" or "The Golden Pig", it is sweeping America.

To advertize for ten seconds during the show will cost half a million dollars. CNN executives are delighted and Jerry Springer says he is "disappointed" he wasn't asked to compere. It is in fact being compered by Ozzie Ozbourne. How does it work?

First of all, the audience is whipped up into mass hysteria by the floor manager as Ozzie announces that everybody in the audience will receive a free Mac burger or a Nestle choc bar (they have a choice) during the intermission. When the pandemonium has subsided, and people who have fainted attended to, the show begins.

As the curtain goes up we see a very large pig tethered to a stake. Before it is a golden trough filled with its favourite food. To the right of it is a near-naked contestant, also tethered to a stake, kneeling before a wooden trough filled... you guessed it... with his/her favourite food.

At a count of three the pig and human are let loose to their troughs. They are given twenty seconds to fill their guts. The crowd join in with a deafening chant of "El Porco! El Porco!, El Porco! etc."

When the gong (loud pig-grunt) sounds the two troughs are ceremoniously weighed by thinly clad hostesses and the one who has eaten most is the winner. The overall winner from five contestants gets the $50,000 prize.

The champion of the series is awarded a gold statuette of El Porco, valued at a million bucks, to be presented by Catholic Bishop Manchuria Mason. Director Serpentina Whitherspoon says "it's all good, clean fun".

Meanwhile, in Afghanistan, eighty-three more civilians have been killed by a drone bomb in the US ongoing effort to bring "peace, democracy and respect for one and other" (O'Bama)' to the region.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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