The Declaration of Independence Rewritten by the Tea Party

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Wednesday, 3 July 2013


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Although the more momentous voting on the Declaration of Independence occurred on July 2, this revered document was signed and officially adopted on July 4, which we now proudly celebrate as Independence Day (although John Adams preferred July 2).

What follows is a rewrite of the Declaration of Independence, as conceived of by the Tea Party, had the Founding Fathers known as much about their own intentions as the Tea Party apparently does.

When in the Course of the democratic process, it becomes necessary for some really angry people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which Glenn Beck and Yahweh entitle them, a grudging respect to the opinions of the rest of America requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to still believe that the democratically-elected president is a Muslin, Maoist, Nazi, Communist, Socialist, Rastafarian, and Kenyan, and therefore is occupying the office of the presidency illegally.

We hold these truths to be divinely inspired, that all men are created somewhat equal, that they are endowed by Jesus Christ with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, the pursuit of Happiness, but not government handouts to the poor or free health care, AKA "Obamacare."

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, unless those that are governed decide to elect a strong, intelligent black man with liberal leanings to the Executive. That whenever any Form of Government elects said black man, it is the duty of those who really understand the intent of our Founding Fathers to make shit up about him, and to disseminate these facts among the various right-wing media, so as to effect the ouster, or at the least, the political obstruction, of this black man and his agenda. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that legitimate elections long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; but we don't really give a rat's ass about Prudence, because we are old, white, fat, and can dress up like the Founding Fathers and selectively quote from the Constitution, which we've read over at least once, with the help of Glenn Beck's many incisive books and lectures on the subject. But when a long train of perceived abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce real Americans like us under absolute Despotism, it is our right, it is our duty, to throw off such Government, and put in our own guys who really understand what the Founding Fathers intended.

Such has been the patient sufferance of the 47 percent who voted for Mitt Romney; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter the results of the last election. The history of the Pretender to the Presidency is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations to real Americans like us, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over our beloved Red States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a world brainwashed by what Sarah Palin calls the lame stream media.

What follows, for those of you conversant with the daily output disseminated by the likes of Sean Hannity, Mike Huckabee, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and, of course, the folks at the fairly unbalanced FOX News, is predictable and absurd and absolutely true, at least to those many listeners with at least a high school education who still think that the Enlightenment had something to do with the discovery of the light bulb sometime in the nineteenth century.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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