Written by rvler9201

Monday, 17 December 2012

image for "I Guess I'll Have to Postpone My Mass Killing if Guns Are Outlawed" - an opinion piece

by Robert James Helper, future murderer

With the events in Connecticut this week, a lot of Americans are finally starting to ask if stricter gun control is the key to preventing these types of tragedies from occurring. This argument is pretty sound: fewer guns, fewer killings with guns. I think all Americans should be able to agree that new gun regulations are a necessary and vital component for preventing horrible tragedies like this one from occurring.

Which is why I hope they go into effect sometime after my mass murder happens.

Let me explain. Sometime in the near future, I plan to enter a public space--it could be a mall, a school, a McDonald's, whatever, I'll work out the details--and methodically kill every single person I can before taking my own life. Why would I want to do this, you ask? Well, because I'm an absolute psychopath whose grip on reality loosens by the day. I place no value whatsoever on human life, including my own, and would like the opportunity to extinguish as much of it as I can in a manner that will accord me the maximum amount of media exposure.

Obviously, I intended to use guns for this endeavor, but my scheme has been thrown into the air now that people are finally talking about gun control. Thanks, Obama. First you have the CIA monitor my brainwaves so they can sell the contents of my dreams to fund your secret war in Australia, and now this? Unbelievable. I'd add you to my kill list, but I hate to make promises I can't keep, if these gun control rumors are true.

While this scheme of mine has been in the works for some time now, I haven't actually purchased the things yet--the moldy yogurt on my bedroom floor hasn't given the go-ahead--but I guess I'd better get on it soon, before federal handgun prohibition takes effect.

I mean, let's say all guns are outlawed, boom, just like that. My plans to murder a bunch of strangers for reasons unknown except to my deranged mind are completely chucked out the window. That simply isn't fair to me. If the Second Amendment is struck down, I am totally at a loss of how to kill people, something I have fantasized about doing since I was a teenager. Gun control legislation will deprive me of everything I hold dear--which consists solely of the chance that someday I will liquidate a lot of people so newscasters will talk about me.

Seriously, though, if I can't use guns, what is the point of killing scores of strangers? I have standards, goddammit. What, you think I'll just go online and look up instructions for making bombs? Or use a knife or a chainsaw? That's childish. If I can be absolutely frank here, the whole point is to kill them with guns. Duh. That's actually the central thing here. Don't get me wrong, I'll jump at the opportunity to massacre innocent people, but it feels like cheating unless I use guns. Yeah, if guns didn't exist I probably wouldn't have the all-consuming desire to kill people I don't know. But they do and I do. So let's move on.

To be clear: gun control will basically make sure I never have the opportunity to kill another person. Actually, I think most states already prohibit somebody with my psychiatric record from getting a gun, but I'm sure I can just drive to someplace that doesn't. Do I have a car? I'm not sure right now. Somebody will sell me guns, is my point.

All I know for sure is, if this gun control thing accelerates and becomes a reality, I may have to abandon my homicidal urges altogether and resign myself to becoming a productive member of society.

Actually, who am I kidding? There's a copy of The Anarchist Cookbook here somewhere.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more