Written by armfeetandtoe

Sunday, 9 September 2012


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image for The Village Idiot
Village Idiot celebrates cutting his own head off

The village idiot has been recognised as a legitimate occupation since the thirteenth century.
Edward the first (Longshanks) sent his own idiot, John Major, to Scotland with a mocking message for William Wallace, however, the idiot presented the verbal insult to King Gruffudd of Wales.

Since that day to this, the slight has never been forgiven and the two nations still spit at each other.

In 1555 Nostradamus wrote; "come the millennium, month 12, in the home of the greatest power, the village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader". If one is to believe the great man, and I do, our Prime Minister is the descendant of a village idiot. The correlation speaks for itself.

So the next time you are passing through a village and you stop to ask for directions, don't laugh at the square head jug eared boy leaning on the farmers gate, he could be the next Prime Minister.

Village idiots have been known to travel extensively from their home, mainly because they get lost. Such is the case of London's current Idiot, and Old Etonian, Boris Johnson.
Born in New York, yes, I didn't believe it at first. Sent out to buy a quart of milk ended up living beside the River Thames in Henley, had his teeth done and is now Mayor of London.

Sometimes village idiots can become aggressive. Adolf Hitler is a case in point. He was laughed at for wearing a dead slug under his nose but decided to fight back. Unfortunately, so did his detractors. They kicked the shit out of him and his little gang of henchmen, they were never seen again.

Some idiots get celebrity status through their antics. Jedward, for instance, have become famous for their lard coated hair and the inane dribble they speak when asked to comment on serious issues.

Oh, and the crap music they allegedly sing, or rather, mime to when given a packet of Smarties.

There are circumstances when a village idiot can have a flash of genius. Walter Bink invented the "Waterproof Sponge" He was snapped up by ICI and then locked up by the scientific community.

Other idiot inventors include Harry Pinto "Garlic flavoured Listerine" Wendy Field "Milk grater"
Marcus Flume "Thermal Sun Hat" David Benton "Diabetic Ex-Lax" and last but not least Mr Dan O'Neill for inventing "Muzak" your favourite and mine while waiting in a lobby or broken elevator.

Disasters such as the "Great Fire of London" were caused by the village idiot. In the early hours of Sunday the 2nd of September 1666, Baker, Thomas Faynor asked idiot, Gordon Ramsey to mind the shop while he went out for a cough and a drag. Ramsey, who happened to be passing by with a box of fireworks in his rucksack, agreed and placed his bag on top of the oven. In typical idiot fashion, he was distracted by a group of men playing piss up the wall, and wandered off. The rest is history.

If you wish to become a village idiot and think you may have the qualifications, please apply to their head office at the following address: 10 Downing Street London SW1A 2AA England.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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