Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 3

Funny story written by Inchcock

Tuesday, 26 June 2012


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 3
My most pleasant dream was of this man - true!

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure, loneliness, depression, and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, and Aldi stores.

His intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!

Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - Part 3

"Freeing and relaxing the Brain"

This issue is dedicated to mites who are approaching the world of being ignored, laughed at, impecuniousness, and frustration, after being made redundant just before their health fails, and possibly might be feeling a little depressed, as they find their minds tending to muse on thoughts of revenge, suicide and hatred!

Taken from the dilapidating memory/brain of Bartholomew Hutterswaithe, and advice with how he things it best to handle these thoughts/dreams like wot he did.

*Thought/Dreams arriving daily, followed by *Advice to counter or activate those thoughts/Dreams as reality:

Thought/Dream: Your old Boss

The face of your old boss, and HR Manager who made you redundant at 62, just before your ticker went into failure, keeps appearing in your dreams, and he is in his offices of the new company he has started after putting the old one into liquidation. You realise that the new Operations Manager of the new company is the old HR manager, who you had to keep waking up when he was on nights!

The faces are laughing at you!


Don't worry about this too much, it is to be expected when someone does the shit on you, that their nepotistic faces will haunt you for a while.

Of course it's not nice.

However, I found that using what is left of my brain, to pretend to myself that I could get my own back, was appealing.

I'd imagine myself getting them both in a dark cellar, hog-tied, and hanging head down from the ceiling, I'd pop in every day to see the blood that would be dripping from the tiny cuts I'd made in their necks and feet. Hopefully this would last for weeks and weeks before they were close to death, when I would get the vet to revive them, feed them a little dog food and olive oil, and serve them with a 3-month redundancy notice.

Odd how a little day dreaming now I've got the time, can be so satisfying!

Thought/Dream: An 18-year-old girl is chasing after you!

A nubile, strong, lusty, busty, hairy, muscular, 18-year-old girl is chasing after you, determined to have her way with you! (A dream obviously)


You might find frustration, that in you dreams, she never catches up with you?

Is this fact affecting the physical health and state of your cat?

Do not concern yourself too much. After trying many things to help this dream to come to fruition, I found that exercising my foibles, and then eating some dandelion roots and pickled walnuts in spearmint yogourt on a bed of macaroni cheese just before retiring, occasionally allowed this dream to culminate in a successful ending!

Remember to change the quilt and pillow if you should have the same success. Lavender scented air-spray can be affective too!

Thought/Dream: Being ignored, overcharged, and sneered at at the check-out!

You begin to wonder why you get looks of impatience and annoyance when you buy you patheticicall small and cheap amount of foods. (You'll find that Lidl and Aldi staff are the best at giving you this reception!)


Again, after a few times of your suffering such disheartening receptions, naturally your mind will turn to devising ways of getting your own back?

Whenever I go to Lidl nowadays to be overcharged and insulted, if I can afford it, I try to consume as many as possible of: Cabbage, corn, brussel sprouts, onions, baked beans, cauliflower, broccoli, or mushy peas.

These foods will ensure that your flatulence will be of ultimate power, and distribute an instant horrifically unfragrant stench at the check-out!

For maximum pleasure, just smile sweetly at the person on the till, and pay them in as many pennies as you can!

Thought/Dream: You dream of assassinating David Cameron!

Without doubt my most frequent, and pleasurable dreams this year.


I have a few moments of satisfaction when I awake and recall these dreams.

My favourite dream of this to date, was last month.

I shot him in his head as he stood on the balcony in front of the Council House in Nottingham slab square, with a .303 Lee-Enfield rifle.

I must have gleaned more satisfaction than any other dream ever, because I can recall it with such clarity.

I'd gone up to the top of the South Notts College building on South Parade, and onto the roof with my rifle, two clips of ammo, and some nosh, and I hid in some central heating housing, the night before.

In the morning, I waited for his appearance, took aim, and nobbled him good and proper, delightful single shot!

Then retired back into the housing with me nosh and weapon, and avoided the police search!

On other nights (up to now), I've fire-bombed him in London, poisoned him in Huddersfield, letter bombed him, electrified number tens doorknob (as I recall that failed, but I got George Osborne instead - so the dream wasn't wasted), and once I popped up from a sewer-grate and killed him with a garden fork.

So keep dreaming, and maybe you can achieve satisfaction too?

Thought/Dream: You dream you have your health and memory back!

A rare event for me, but not unknown.

This is a good dream in which you have not got Arthritis, Impetigo, Lupus, Deafness, Bad Eyesight, a Hernia, Cancer of the Bladder, a Heart in Failure, An Enlarged Prostrate, or a failing Memory! It's great!


Of course as soon as you wake up you start to forget the dream! I keep a notepad and pen handy to make notes you know? Mind you, can I find me glasses!

Editor's Note:

At this point Bartholomew passed-wind and nodded off again.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more