Nottingham Healthy Foods Magistrates Court Report for June 2025

Funny story written by Inchcock

Saturday, 19 May 2012

image for Nottingham Healthy Foods Magistrates Court Report for June 2025
Case No. 90823913

Case No. 90823903
Jonathan Obegabi (19)
Unemployed computer hacker
Found guilty of eating more than one McDonald's burger in a week.
Fined £5000, and had his fast food eating licence suspended for two months.

Case No. 90823904
Sayed Maqsood Hashemi (54)
Taxi Driver
Found Guilty of eating a kebab without a mask on.
Fined £55, and received two point on his fast food eating licence.

Case No. 90823905
Gheorghe Popesescu (49)
Florist and part time Manicurist
Found Guilty of eating Ciorba de Burta (Tripe & Onions) not bred or grown within the EU. Also, consuming the same without handing out written warning to neighbours within 500 yards either side of the place of ingestion.
Fine 50p, and instructed to give the judge a manicure every week for two years.

Case No. 90823906
Juozas Wayne Rooney Baranauskas (56)
Pickled walnut tester for the EU Food Commission
Found Guilty of taking bribes and six inches from restaurant owner Gordon Sodding Ramsey Jnr, when his pickled walnuts were found not to up the standard required by EU legislation.
Reduced in rank to a class 3 Greggs 95% VAT Cornish Pastie tester.

Case No. 90823907
Sławomir Wojciechowski-Uppingham-Smythe (36)
Third personal assistant to David Cameron Jnr, Chairman of Barclays Offshore Accounts/Investments
Found Not Guilty of nepotism, by allowing his son to consume sterilised milk, and not reporting him.
His Uncle the judge awarded him £13million a month in damages for 5 years in compensation.

Case No. 90823908
Bartholomew Utterswaithe (89)
Retired Security controller, and senile Spoofer
Found guilty of clandestinely eating two slices of beef dripping with jelly - on white bread, with salt!
Because Utterswaith refused to name his supplier, the Judge said he intended to make an example of him, and sentenced him to have his fast food eating licence suspended for five years, fined him £500,000, and instructed him to attend 25 two hour meetings of the Vegan Societies advisory council.

Case No. 90823909
Ibenegbu Ndala (51)
Debarred pastry chef
Found guilty of baking and supplying frosted doughnuts that are very high in sugar and calories, and selling them on Council Parks property, for a profit of 2p each, to children under the age of 55 years.
He was forced by the judge The Most Honourable Romulus Baranauskas DBE, to sign the 'Sticky sweet food supplying Offenders list', had his fast food eating licence revoked, and made to attend a four day dentists convention in the Outer Hebrides.

Case No. 90823910
Bertha Deblues (74)
Retired World Mud Wrestling Championess
Found guilty of allowing her grandchildren to eat illegally imported milk chocolate from Switzerland, when rehydrated celery granules were readily available.
Sentenced to a £300 fine, and having her grandchildren deported to Nigeria to be fed wholesome foods and educated in computer hacking.

Case No. 90823911
Father Patrick Goebbels (29)
Found guilty of interfering with his choirboys salads.
Put on two weeks low fibre diet, and found £5.

Case No. 90823912
Bernardas Brazdžionis (32), Alexandru Sătmăreanu (24), and Zakria Rezai (27)
Produce Importers
Found guilty of importing unhealthy foods currently barred in the EU. Namely, lemon curd and lard, with the intentions of supplying the same to elderly members of the public for profit.
Sentenced to two days detention, and ordered to have their teeth removed.

Case No. 90823913
Duncan Biskett (37)
Ex Confectioner - Retired
Found guilty of hoarding a Marathon bar (pre Snicker name), with the intent to profit from selling it to addicts at a later date. When the judge arranged for the bar to be split open to examine the contents of the Marathon bar, it was found to be still edible.
Biskett was sentenced eat the twenty-nine year old bar himself, as an example of the horror of eating none EU approved unhealthy banned foods to others.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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