This Just In, Real Life Screws Recent College Grads

Written by jessica w

Saturday, 24 March 2012


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College is much better than real life. If I could pass on any advice, it would be to never graduate…. Stay in school FOREVER. In the spirit of making my life more difficult than necessary, I entered the work force before my official due date. I wish (as in I am begging you dear seniors) you would only do the opposite.

With that being said, I have one piece of advice for you. Fail a final, loose a blue book, or fill out a scantron in pen. The real world will always be out there and I promise you it will always suck... especially when you compare it to the college nightly regimen of dancing, nightly sex, and dollar beers.

Now just in case you need further persuasions as to why you should never ever leave college, here are a few things to consider.

Loan Repayment (no such thing as a free lunch/ booty call/ pitcher)

Student loans. Four words. Government funded Jungle Juice. Now being a loan recipient myself, I know the "you owe as soon as you leave school" drill very well. Unfortunately. I also know far too many 18 year olds only hear free booze free booze free booze during the loan education course. So for those of you who think you have a five year grace period (or any grace period for that matter), let me drop some knowledge on you. Your first loan installment should be handed in alongside your last final…. Diploma with job prospect or embarrassing failure.

If you are the lucky recipient of subsidized loans from Uncle Sam, you better pay they'll just take your check. Ah the wage garnish. Yes, you were informed of that… as long as you had a microscope for that miniscule fine print. If you can't afford the loan re-payment and food, well I'm pretty sure I don't need to elaborate on which is sacrificed.

Mandatory attendance (sans the standard college 3 excused absences)

I won't even bother to pretend I was an overachiever… or really even an achiever for that matter. The one thing I hated more than anything else was mandatory attendance. Actually having to show up just to say "here" then go back to sleep on a hard desk rather than my (subjective) bed seemed more like a waste of time than anything else. We already had to memorize the professor's book, you know the book detailing everything she knows thus having the ability to teach without class time. Wasn't that enough? I'd have to say that I only took one mandatory attendance class per semester, if that. Showing up is surely the worst part.

Seeing as I hated the requirement of showing up once a week,
I was horrified to learn that everything is mandatory attendance post college. Now if you are not familiar with this shitty concept, let me introduce you now. Mandatory attendance and the thought "Oh God I can't take another second of this" are mutually exclusive.

And there is no relief date in sight. Work, bridal showers, divorce parties, babies being born, and the dreaded kindergarten recital.. and the older you get, the longer this list becomes. Oh right and there's no, "Oh I have a psych paper due so I can't make it" because that chapter is closed. Oh and one last thing on this concept, Saturdays and Sundays are no exception and work starts about 3 hours before most of you even had a single class scheduled.

Oh and here's the real kick in the ass: if you are late to work you can't just take on an extra project to make up for the missed minutes and even staying late somehow doesn't make up for tardiness (which I will never ever understand). And trust me, those bosses notice. Even if the boss is away, I promise you there will be some kiss ass just waiting to inform the hire ups of your 5 minute "punctuality underestimate". Big Brother may not always be watching, but the tool sharing your cubicle is

No extra credit

This needs no further explanation. If you screw up at work or forget an anniversary, there is no saving grace.. Well I guess one could consider unemployment as a saving grace (formerly known as extra credit) in the event of a firing, but even that is not guaranteed. Thus anyone could be out of a job, 100k in debt, and whatever else comes to the imagination just months after your graduation celebration.
I could go on and on but in the spirit of not organizing a mass suicide, I'll keep this brief.

So to sum it all up…..

There is no limit as to how many years you can attend school full time. My advice, keep the free money and lighten your class load.. party more… Or explore every major your school has to offer. Maybe if you set a University record they'll shave off a few grand from that ever accruing loan debt. Refer to National Lampoon's Van Wilder. Ryan Reynolds looked like he had a hell of a time.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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