Kill School Coming Soon to UK

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Thursday, 19 January 2012


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Come 2015 there will be a rash of schools popping up all along the arse of England. Will the government provide the soothing lotion to combat this threat? No it seems the government is giving it's full backing (not to mention a fuck tonne of money) to see that military run "Kill Schools" for the most troubled youths will come to fruition.

We tried to gain access to a military spokesman despite the fact our reporters have thick eyebrows and are not allowed near a military installation (thick eye brows leads to moustache, moustache leads to goatee, goatee leads to beard, beard leads to Islam, Islam leads to terrorism. It's a fairly simple join the dots exercise really.)

So unable to gain any reliable information on the subject we reverted to what most main stream journalists do in times of press blackouts. Made wild and slanderous presumptions based on the actions of military leaders we've seen in Rambo films. We were able to acquire (steal is such a harsh word) a proposed time table for the new school. It makes chilling reading.

"The children will be expected to attend the following lessons every day as well as regular practice drills for such major events as imminent Chinese invasion, nuclear fallout and of course invaluable Otter combat training. The timetable is as follows: 9-11- Taking their oil whilst making it seem like peace keeping Lying 101, 11-1- water boarding for beginners, 1-2- catch kill and cook your own dinner, 2-4 how to use a wheelchair (you'll need this when a roadside bomb takes your legs off) 4-5- study time the only book you can read is the first half of War and Peace."

We at Back and to the Left news cant help but wonder is it a good idea to give dyed in the wool gang members military style education? At least in London there wont be any more headlines reading "Teen stabbed forty two times" because of the training it will read "Teen stabbed once with bayonet. A good clean kill." And if it doesn't it means the school system still isn't working and we cant even blame the crappy army teachers. They'd probably just shoot us.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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