Snow, and why it should be banned

Funny story written by IainB

Friday, 16 December 2011

image for Snow, and why it should be banned
Is it art? No, it's annoying and shit

If there's one thing that would have me praying for a global rise in temperature, it is snow.

It's depressing. It's disruptive.

I cannot conceive of a single good thing about it.

Other people come out with lines like:

"It makes everything look pretty."

To which my answer is, why is a uniform colour pretty? I much prefer looking at a multifaceted multicolour landscape than WHITE! everywhere. Is a plain sheet of A4 prettier than a Constable landscape? The Mona Lisa? No. It's not. So why would taking a perfectly good looking hill and coating it in white make it prettier?

I also get:

"I love coming into a nice warm house when it's cold outside."

Have they listened to themselves? Why not start off warm? Why go through the pain of being cold in the first place. You don't need to wear your entire wardrobe in summer just to be warm. You can get by in shorts.

And what about the line:

"You can't get to work/school"?

Absolutely marvellous justification. Book a bloody holiday or pretend to be ill if you want time off. At least all the shops are still open. The buses are also working or you can drive around without getting stuck behind some petrified seventy-year old in a Nissan Micra who believes that two flakes of snow make driving so hazardous that five miles an hour is the only safe speed. I like my job. I also like the people I work with. Why the hell would I want to be trapped in my house with Loose Women and Homes Under the Hammer? Plus, if I can't get to work, it probably means my kids can't get to school, so I'll have them underfoot all day.

"But you can build snowmen!" say the desperate still looking for justification.

Snowmen? For god's sake. What are you? Ten? I could quite happily go my entire life and never see a snowman. It's basically a pile of snow with a couple of twigs. Sometimes with a carrot stuck in it. I might not know what art is, but I know damn well it isn't a snowman.

"Think of the kids and sledging" is normally the last call of the criminally insane who've not actually thought about it.

Sledging? I have a host of things I like doing. Trudging up a cold, wet, slippery hill dragging a lump of plastic just so I can hurtle down the hill again for seven seconds is not on the list. I'd rather watch Loose Women and Homes Under the Hammer, to be frank. If I want to go fast, I'll get in my car. Except when it's snowing, obviously.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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