Michelle Bachmann Confesses! God Upset With Her; Tells Her She Lost Her Mind

Written by Rick Loud

Monday, 22 August 2011

In the wake of having reported that God told her to run for President, Michelle Bachmann appeared on Fox News visibly shaken, and announced, "God has told me something else, and it's something I didn't want to hear. He said, 'Michelle, you lost your mind.'

"Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.

"God went on to ask, 'Did you report that I told you to introduce an amendment defining marriage as man-woman only.?'

"'Yes, I did,' I confessed.

"'And did you recently tell people I told you to run for Congress?'

"'Yes, I did,' I confessed again.

"'And did you recently tell people I told you to run for President?'

"'Yes, I did,' I confessed again.

"'And did you recently tell people I told you who you were to marry?'

"'Yes, I did,' I confessed again.

"'But, Michelle, ask yourself, if I'm the benevolent being people expect me to be and that I have given free will to all, how could I have said those things?'

"You mean, you didn't say them?' I asked.

"'Heck, no! I've got my reputation to consider. What I actually told you is, on the first point, that Children need to have have loving parents that will love them unconditionally and that they would Benefit from parents that were married. If those parents are man - man, man - woman, woman - woman is of no consequence'

"'You did?' I replied, swallowing hard.

"'Yes, Michelle. And on the second and third issue, I told you that you had it in yourself to decide to run for Congress/President.'


"'Yes, Michelle. And on the forth issue, Well on that one I explicity told you not to marry any Homosexual Bigots"


"'Yes, Michelle. But what has happened? You misheard every message I delivered. Now, since I know you would much prefer to be my dutiful servant, I can only assume you've lost your mind.'

"Yep," Michelle continued, "that's what God told me and, let me tell you, His mighty words gave me pause. So I said, 'In the future I'll listen more carefully.'

"But God wouldn't have anything to do with that. He was just too upset with me.

"'I appreciate your good intentions, Michelle, but I can't take anymore chances. My reputation is already too damaged.'

"Then the Lord told me the most hurtful thing I can imagine."

"'Michelle, I'm not going to show up and talk to you anymore.'

"'Oh, God, no, please,' I told him. 'I'll listen to your every word more carefully with all my heart and mind.'

"'I know you'll have the best of intentions, but, I regret to say, the next time we talk is when you arrive at the Pearly Gates. I have to find somebody to appear to who can get the story right. But listen to me, Michelle. If you do exactly as I say, I, in my infinite mercy, will forgive your every misinterpretation. And here is what I say. If you ever think I told you something in the future, tell yourself it can't be true and you made it up. Do you hear me, Michelle?'

"'Yes, God,' I told my Lord and Master. 'Not only that, I apologize for any damage I might have, through no conscious intent, done to your magnificent and forever undamaged reputation.'

"'Good, Michelle, good,' God told me, and put out His hand. "'I look forward to seeing you again in ten or twenty years.'

"'Thanks, Your Worship, see you then,' I told Him.

"Then we shook hands and he disappeared.

"So let me just announce to my faithful fans, that's it, folks. I won't be making anymore announcements about what God told me. I have gotten the message from on high that I am now out of personal communication with the Infinite. From now on I am as much a creature of the finite world as you all are.

"And I am confident that, because of this decision, God loves me and you more than ever. So please donate more generously to my Campaign than ever."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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