It's been a confusing week, for local man, and pork pie hat champion, Martin Shuttlecock. A hectic schedule has meant that he has been out of action for at least a week, in pursuit of other action.
So apparently, Shuttlecock has resolved to 'suck it up.'
Whatever that means.
Here at Skoob Mag HQ, we weren't sure what he meant by 'suck it up,' so we thought we'd better ask him, on the grounds that it sounded vaguely like some disgusting practice or other...
"I learned that phrase from watching Deadliest Catch on the Discovery Channel," Shuttlecock explained. "When the wind's a blowing and the ice is forming on the Bering Sea in the Opilio season, I've seen Sig Hansen (Skipper of the Northwestern) tell the crew that they're 'just gonna have to suck it up.' So I thought I'd do the same. He's a hard taskmaster is Sig - he'll keep his crew hauling crab pots for up to thirty hours at a stretch, so I just thought, that if they could 'suck it up' then I could 'suck it up' too. Whatever that means."
In depth research on Google, utilising the Urban Dictionary, revealed that to 'suck it up' involves nothing relating to befouled carpets, spilled drinks, hospital food, or even pornographic film references - apparently, it means to take everything that's directed at you and accept it as being 'just one of those things.'
Our reporter was baffled. He asked Shuttlecock what he was getting at:
"Nothing," Shuttlecock explained, as he prepared for a relaxing weekend with a huge grin. "I'm just saying that I'll suck it up, that's all. Mind you - it has been a strange week. When I finished work last Friday, I popped in for a beer while I was waiting for my train, and I overheard the most bizarre conversation about cancer I've ever been privy to. This bloke was sitting with a woman in the pub, and he was explaining to her that cancer (the disease) is more likely to afflict tall people. He added that you can 'catch' cancer from pasta. And that it spreads in tendrils, like ivy, throughout the body.
"I thought that people in general were a little better informed than that, but apparently not. The woman seemed reassured when the man told her that you can't 'catch' cancer from pizzas. It took every ounce of self control I had to prevent me from rolling about on the floor in hysterics when the woman sombrely declared that pizzas were safe...I suppose you could say that I sucked that up."
Shuttlecock then went on to explain that when he got off the train last week, four men, all dressed in black, and with their faces covered, sprang from a parked van armed with Uzi machine pistols and liberally sprayed him with machine gun bullets in an apparently motiveless attack.
Eye witness accounts stated that Shuttlecock, with his back to a wall, suffered a prolonged series of impact spasms as the bullets ripped into his frail body, but that he was laughing uproariously throughout, and challenging the assasssins to: "C'mon coz I'm Lovin' This! Is that all you got, you maggots?"
The men apparently fled, leaving Shuttlecock remarkably unscathed, save for several bullet holes in his leather trench coat and pork pie hat.
Police enquiries have thus far failed to arrive at a motive for, or a solution to the attack.
"Heh-heh!" Shuttlecock chuckled. "It bothers me not a jot. You'd think that by now, people would have realised that I'm bulletproof. I have no idea who sanctioned this assassination attempt, and quite frankly, I don't give a fucking toss. I can't afford to waste my time on this sort of bollocks. Dum-dums using dum-dum ammunition. Pathetic, really. It's probably some country bumpkin types who object to me making them look like complete and utter idiots, like the bloke in the pub twatting on about cancer.
"I'll just carry on in my own sweet way 'sucking it up' like Sig's brother Edgar on the Northwestern. But not in a gay way - because that isn't what it's all about. It's quite funny really. Honest! It is! Stop laughing you knob-head and start taking this seriously! Like wot I don't!"
More when Nelson gets his eye back.
Dedicated respectfully to the memory of the late Captain Phil Harris, of the Cornelia Marie of the Alaskan crab fishing fleet, out of Dutch Harbor, AK, and all those who put their lives at risk in order to make other people's lives more tolerable and enjoyable.
(Well - you have to have a serious bit to give it credibility. Don'tcha know.)