Downeast Maine Fisherman Confirms: Bin Laden 'dead as a Hake!'

Funny story written by Morse

Friday, 13 May 2011

image for Downeast Maine Fisherman Confirms: Bin Laden 'dead as a Hake!'
Bangor Daily News Source Daryl McFaddon (r) and Buddies after they returned to Maine in 1945

The Bangor, ME Daily News has confirmed, albeit a week late, that Osama Bin Laden is indeed dead and resting in a watery grave quoting local man Daryl McFaddon as the source.

I caught up with that local man, Daryl McFaddon, he being of the McFaddon clan mostly bred and bedded on Beals Island, whilst he was indulging in a 'mess of smelts' he was frying up on his cook stove somewhere on 'paper land' off the Airline Road in Downeast, Maine.

"He's dead all right....dead as a Hake...probably smells just as bad by now too, shoulda been done a long time ago if you axe me. Know a few boys 'round here could have done the job 10 years ago...them boys can track a snake in a gravel a nose fer it, if you git me drift!

Game wardens haven't come close to ketchin' 'em yet! Me neither come to think on it. Heh, Heh!"

McFaddon is one of the few survivors from his small home town that joined up for WWII and spent the entire war in the Pacific Campaign where he made every one of the "Big 'Uns" with the exception of Iwo Jima, "guess I was just lucky on that thar one....came down with a case of the drips from the camp monkey...saved my life...lost a lot of friends sir, you can burn me with fire and pull my nails out, but I ain't buyin' non of them Jap cars, no sir...I don't forgit, and non of them big screen TV's neither, rather listen to the Red Sox on the the dark!"

When asked when he heard about Bin Laden's death he paused to shovel out a mess of smelts to his tin camp plate, added 'a wad of beans that had been simmering for 72 hours using a hand trowel, took a swig of 'home brew' from a jelly jar, and said, "well, now, probably about 5 minutes before that President Obami did!"

McFaddon could see I was shocked, and in disbelief, so offering me a shot of home brew, he went on.

"See, it's like this. This is a small town in a small state. We've been called ornery, independent BASTARDS and don't axe fer much. Prefer to do things for ourselves, ya see, and like that. Went off to war in '42 and came back, other's didn't, but we all went, thought nothin' about it. We were needed. We went. I came back."

'No different now, lotta grand kids in the service, all branches too. Sharpshooters, trackers, long range reconnaissance, Mountain Troops, around here grew up on our stories and huntin' in the woods and fishin' and wanted to be jist like us...some say 'stupid', I say "hats off to 'em".

"Anway, I got me this internet picture thingy from my grandnephew, he's with the SEALS, used to dive for Urchins out in Taunton Bay, scuba dive for Scallops off Bar Harbour, and even snuck up on Puffins to catch 'em live off Machias, good money they was payin' at the time at McDonalds , Puffin McMuffins they called them breakfast sandwiches...lad was a real water rat."

"Anyway, he's in SEAL team 6. Sent me some live pictures during the action...better than watching the Bruins taking on the Rangers in a free for all, let me tell ya! Fur, blood and dish towels flyin' everywhere!"

"That Bin Hiden fella, or whatever name he was goin' under...wasn't much, looked like a deer in the headlights, and I've seen some in my time, Heh, Heh, skinny Bastard, dish towel on his head , musta just washed his hair, you know, like women do...happened fast, one minute he was there the next minute he was deader than a Hake.....I know he was dead cause when they cut his ear off he didn't flinch...BASTARD!"

So it appears the Bangor Daily News was right after all. Never one to fall for fast breaking stories full of errors, the News always likes to get it right and verify their sources.

McFaddon said he's been deluged with offers to be interviewed by Chris Matthews, Keith Olberman, and even David Letterman.

He's refused them all.

"What do you tell 'em when you turn them down,' he was asked.

"What I tell all the Mass-Hole tourists stopping in from time to time axing for directions, I look off to the mountains, scratch my chin, and with a straight face just say, " can't get there from here......!"

"But Bob Hope, if he was alive and still doing radio, well son, I'd be there before the bacon hit the skillet...yes Sir, Mister Man....for Bob Hope, I'd sure do it...THAT MAN did his part for America...and that Betty be proud to get her autograph, don't need no nekked pictures....I got my own memories...been to New York once...that was enough!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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