Male Equality League Publishes Manifesto

Written by Auntie Matter

Sunday, 17 April 2011


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MEAL'S dictionary amendments.

The Male Equality Alliance League (MEAL) that boasts some very prominent figures including many politicians and has a list of over two million members has just published its Manifesto. To qualify for membership you have to be divorced and been out of a relationship for at least six months.

The aim of MEAL is to protect men in relationships from violent or destructive partners. Lance Sidebottom, chief CEO of what can accurately be described as a "movement", in an interview with Hugh Hefner's sex periodical "The Shagger", explained: "The reason for the manifesto is to make our charter clear to present and future members. It explains what we stand for and makes very sensible recommendations. We predict with what little confidence has been left to us as divorcees that it will have far-reaching effects on relationships throughout the world."

Many of these recommendations have to do with legal matters, psychological counselling, the founding of health centres and mental clinics devoted exclusively to relationship breakdowns, and political moves to finance them. However, one recommendation taking up almost one third of the document caught the eye of The Shagger's editor, New Yorker Claude Balls.

It concerns an urgent call for a revamping of the English language to make it easier for men to argue with women on a one-to-one basis. It argues forcefully for an implementation of the new vernacular in movies, songs, etc so that new words promoting male equality can enter popular parlance. Mr. Balls pointed out that this could be construed as misogynism dressed up as good will, "a wolf in creep's clothing", which is how it has been described by leading feminist Germaine Greer. Said she: " It is obviously just another blow to women the world over. Now men hope to subdue women by the power of their tongues as well as the law. In my view, they are wasting their time. Women are better at argument than men because women live in the real world and are more intelligent."

Mr. Sidebottom speaking for MEAL will have none of it. "Fact is, " said he," I have great respect for women. My mother was one,.. or so I have been told. Greer more than anybody should know men are at a very serious disadvantage when it comes to verbal conflict in any male-female relationship. All the perjorative and abusive words seem to be biased against men because nearly all of them have been invented by men. There are numerous such words and they have been used by women to incite their partners to violence, betrayal, treachery and even murder. We are just redressing the balance, that's all. And we have done it by simply altering the expletives."

Thus the MEAL manifesto recommends changes to the dictionary as follows ...

"Farsehole = female arsehole".
"Father Sucker = female mother-fucker".
"Suckwit = female fuckwit".
"Freep = female creep".
"Cowshit Artist = female bullshit artist".
"Twanker = female wanker".
"Bedbleat = female deadbeat".
"Fosser = female tosser".
"Frick = female prick".
"Womosexual = female homosexual".
"Feirdo = female weirdo".
"Feek = female geek.".
"Werd = female nerd."

There are many more in the manifesto. Mr. Sidebottom reckons that the changes when implemented will have significant effects in the workplace, the law courts and the bedroom. "It will show itself in a rapid falling of the divorce rates around the world as the the resultant equalization in verbal combat will lead to quicker and saner resolutions as each partner awakens up to the fact that neither is better than the other."

Let us hope he is right.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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