Osbourne uses example of Iggy Pop to defend cuts

Funny story written by Arturo Swift

Monday, 11 April 2011


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pop goes the economy

George Osbourne has used the sad example of punk-rock god Iggy Pop in order to defend massive government cuts in public spending. Pop, a hugely sucessful singer/songwriter fell on hard times in the late noughties due to his irresponsible spending habits and penchant for gambling huges swathes of money on internet bumfights.

'Whilst I'm not the biggest fan of his "music" myself'

Osbourne told the commons yesterday

'I understand he holds a special place in the hearts of the great unwashed... I mean general public.

Whilst I have the greatest respect for his disgusting anti-social behavior, I want to hold him up as an example of irresponsible overspending gone terribly wrong.

30 years ago you might have found him rolling around in broken glass, exposing himself to crowds of teenagers or vomiting on stage for the sheer delight of it - but now look at him...

The whipping boy of an online insurance company, getting it up the old Eton gloryhole from a puppet of himself. How the mighty have fallen.'

Due to financial meltdown, Pop has been selling his soul in a series of adverts for Swiftcover.com and spending his nights cold-calling potential customers from an i.t. centre in Bangalore.

'I used to think that people telling me to go fuck myself was like, soooo punk'.

He told a close friend.

'But now it just hurts my feelings, not to mention my commission'.

Osbourne had earlier likened the fiscal policy of labour under Blair and Brown to a punk-rock mentality, calling it 'dangerously irresponsible' and 'just down right annoying'.

He likened the new Tory/Lib Dem coalition's more cautious approach to a 'classical flamenco' style in which

'there are rules and structures yes, but good gosh that doesn't mean you can't have a bit of fun...

...within reason of course'.

Osbourne is infamous amongst the fine dining establishments of London for his delicate palate and sensitive temperament. He once sent a glass of water back to the kitchen for being 'too spicy' and has reduced grown chefs to tears with demands for poached dodo's eggs cooked in ph neutral spring-water, and a sharpened unicorn horn with which to pick the 'common air' from his teeth.

'I don't see what the problem is,'

He told friends and courteers afterwards.

'mumsy never got any complaints from the help.'

Fans of Iggy have staged mass burning sessions of his records and cds in protest. Ryan Jackson (52) who did not wish to be named said

'It's a symbolic gesture really, we're all fully comp'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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