Taylor Lautner Explains Why He Sent An Extremely "Erotic Email" To Kate Gosselin

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 3 April 2011

image for Taylor Lautner Explains Why He Sent An Extremely &quotErotic Email" To Kate Gosselin
Kate Gosselin in her backyard reading a copy of The Tinsel Town Times Tribune.

CANCUN, Mexico - Taylor Lautner, who has appeared in all of the Twilight series movies, took a much needed vacation down to the extreme southernmost part of Mexico.

Lautner flew down to Cancun, Yucatan, where he stayed at the luxurious Ole Toro Resort Hotel, which is one of the finest hotels located in the resort town of Cancun.

The word 'Cancun' is Spanish for 'Land where the local citizens love the American dollars even more than they love their siestas, bullfights, cockfights, Margaritas, and shrimp tacos.'

While Lautner was relaxing on the beautiful Cancun beach he was approached by a reporter for Mexico's national news agency Las Maracas News Agency.

He was asked if he missed being with his ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift. He smiled and replied that he did. He was then asked if he missed his ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez. He smiled once again and answered that he did, but that he was happy that she had found happiness, joy, and a singing partner in Justin "The Wyoming Rancher" Bieber.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Justin mom, Patti Lynn "Dimples" Mallette, bought him a 901 acre ranch located just outside of Cheyenne, Wyoming, for his 17th birthday. The ranch is named The Bluffing Buffalo Hooves Ranch and Bieber loves it because he now has a place where he can keep the $927 Shetland pony "Little Fella" that Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato gave him as a birthday present.]

Taylor was asked by Las Maracas about the rumor that he had sent Kate Gosselin the star of the hit cable show Kate Plus 8 a very erotic email.

Lautner put down his bottle of Aye Caramba Cerveza and turned as red as a Tijuana tomato. He smiled and said that it was in fact true that he had sent Gosselin a very erotic email.

He was asked why since she was a divorcee with eight kids, with a horrible attitude, and the fact that she was given to mood swings that could best be described as being top rate roller coaster in nature.

Taylor shook his head and replied that he had read in TV ClickerWorld that Kate had been devastated back in late January when her long time bodyguard and close friend Steve "The Gray Fox" Nield had suddenly ended their business association and their personal friendship.

Lautner said that he felt sorry for Kate since she had literally caught hell from the critics and the TV media two years ago when she had appeared on Dancing With The Stars and had shown America that she had about as much dancing rhythm as 603 pound Gabourey Sidibe has diet pills, which is zero (0).

And so he decided to get her email address, which he did from DWTS host Tom Bergeron, and write her an email that would help to cheer her up.

Taylor had also read in The Tinsel Town Times Tribune that Kate Gosselin's kids had told their classmates that their favorite movie of all time was The Adventures of Sharkboy and LavaGirl in 3D, which starred Taylor Lautner.

So he decided to sit down an write Mrs. Gosselin an email. He stated that his first draft was okay, but he wanted to really say something that would make a big impression on the much misunderstood mama of eight.

And so he decided to inject some very erotic phrases in the email, along with some words that could possibly be described as being somewhat flirtatious, suggestive, and a little bit sexually explicit perhaps.

Taylor grinned and took a sip of his Aye Caramba Cerveza and said that he received an email from Kate within 12 minutes of the time he sent his email to her.

He blushed and said that he would not reveal what Kate had written but he did point out that if he was into "Cougars" he would have hooked up with her quicker than David Crosby putting away a bag of popcorn.

Kate Gosselin is 36-years-old but her ex-bodyguard Steve Nield recently mentioned to Ellen DeGeneres on her show that "Kate The Great" has the body of a 26-year-old.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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