Political Correctness In Football

Funny story written by grimbo

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

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Another article advising what terms can and can't be used in the world of football in terms of political correctness.

"Fenian Trash"

The first instance just doesn't stand up to close examination in these environmentally friendly times.

The word "trash" doesn't any longer conjure up the same illusions as previously - in fact, the advent of recycling has ensured that even rubbish can have it's uses (good news for members of West Ham's first team squad).

And so we will settle for an expression which has is appearing more and more these days ......"masonically challenged."

Please note that it's very much up to the reader to decide whether being so challenged is a good or bad thing.

"Proddy Scum"

This is another example of an attempted sectarian slur that is as flawed as it is common.

As all fans of Delia Smith will be at pains to point out, the word "scum" or "skimmings" - depending on which part of the country you inhabit - far from being a derogatory word, refers to the thick, sticky liquid left over from the jam-making process, i.e. it is very sweet and essentially pleasing to the taste, and thus is anything but offensive.

So perhaps a more acceptable and accurate term to reinforce the religious aspect would be the simple but effective "trouser hitcher."

"....did all the spadework"

Used to describe the prime mover in a series of passes, this blatantly racist comment will henceforth be replaced by something of the order of "...was instrumental in..."

"...'s stingy defence"

While the bad taste inherent in the use of this term is less clear cut than in the first example, it's correctness is obvious when attributed to a certain North London club challenging for top 4 placing in the Premiership.

Admittedly, on the evidence of last night's miserable performance against Blackpool, there seems little chance in the foreseeable future of the quality of stinginess being used to describe the Spurs back four. Nevertheless such an occurrence would undoubtedly offend the anti-racist lobby, given the White Hart Lane outfit's essentially non-Arab heritage.

So, if any side's defensive performances are to be likened to AC Milan's, the terminology must be of the nature of "...a solid rearguard display."

"....goes in like a woman"

This overtly sexist expression has a disgracefully long history in the game, but has more and more become out of date as well as being inaccurate - you only have to think of a couple of the Gladiators or the current centre-half of Felixstowe Feminists FC to accept that the use of "...is not 100% committed to the tackle" would be more appropriate.

"Dirty Bastard "

Another age old favourite that has gradually fallen out of sync with the 21st century game.

Not only does being born out of wedlock no longer bear the stigma of bygone days, but in many cases nowadays it is almost a prerequisite for social/professional advancement. (Rumour has it that most of the present cabinet entered this world without the true sperm source being at the bedside).

So now we'll have to be content with a fairly general, if not neutral, term such as "tough and compromising ball-winner" or even the dreaded "good professional" that is frequently trotted out in defence of the hired killer type that's starting to dominate the game.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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