A Lesson In Becoming Old

Written by Nick Hobbs

Friday, 18 February 2011


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Is that a guitar? Oh, man, a lady who ate a bacon sandwich at a Tinie Tempah gig said that guitars are soooo last year....

It's not everyday you wake up and you are told you're old.

Well OK, maybe it is, but only if you listen, and I'm told that one of the only benefits of growing old is selective hearing.

Well, that and standing on street corners and yelling at youngsters about how 'they don't know they're born' and 'pull your trousers up' (in a purely fashion-oriented sense, not in a peadophilic way!)

I just turned on the TV to find some maggot sitting in his room, telling me via 'web-cam' that the music I listen to is old.

He quoted some bint that said 'anything fashionable, isn't' or some such bullshit! This quoted personality, that I've never heard of, apparently designed some hat that Lady Ga Ga wore once, so her opinion obviously counts.

He actually quoted this line, and took true meaning from it, as he sat there in his room, with his fashionably coiffured hair and as his fashionably tailored shirt flapped fashionably on his parents-funded, student-advanced computer screen.

And I couldn't help thinking.....what??

Who the ff...are you? You complete dweeb!

Am I old? Where did the music go? Is this what youngsters listen to? The simple minded thought processes of some butt-nugget that Channel 4 has enlisted to tell me what's hot and what's not?

What has this 14 year old fucktard done to make him an expert, other that have his parents buy him a computer with internet connection and not charge him rent so he can sit in his room reading 'famous peoples' blogs, between squinting over whatever free porn he can download to his already overheating hard-drive, as he spoons yet more accepted 'product' in to his rapidly dying locks?

He reads blogs and then imparts his 'extensive' knowledge on the world at large, to ascertain what is likable and what will get you laughed out of school with. And Channel 4, presumably pay the little snot-faced fucker for this. At the very least they give him air-time!

Oh, because Bernie Fucknuts with the shit hair says it's cool, I can listen to it! Back to the studio, where some unshaven, 19 year old, 'presenter wannabe', that can't speak the Queens proper English, like what I does, winnit with exceptionally great teeth, can thank him for his input. Like it means something!

And they do it with such self-importance. Like life depends on it.

If the tired, re-hashed, bullshit sampled 'music' is what is new, then I'll happily listen to what came before. I'll listen to what made your shit great before it!

And anyone who truly loves music will do the same. They'll read from page one, not chapter 13 as you suggest they should.

And I won't rely on some tart that drew a hat once, and learnt to sew, to tell me otherwise.

And I certainly won't listen to some half-baked, squinty-eyed fashion victim, fawning over 'maybe' pop-stars that couldn't hold a note without help from studio computer-related wizardry, to impart that false-information second hand, thankyou!

I love being old.

If that's what you meant.

God help the young.

Except I'm an atheist, so sorry....you're fooked!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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