Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 7 February 2011

image for Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise
Nearly bed time, I must be off.

Carlton Hennings of the Psychological Institute of Swindon, Sussex heard the phrase "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise" when he was very young.

Being a keen analytical thinker, he decided that he would try and determine whether there was any truth in this Old Wives Tale.

"From the age of nine I have followed a strict regime," said Hennings, now fifty-eight. "I would go to bed no later than nine each evening, and wake at five in the morning. This would give me eight hours sleep every night, whilst still following the edict laid down in the proverb."

As he grew older, many a lesser scientific mind would have succumbed to party invites, dates with girls, the occasional late night movie or hitting the snooze button ten times before getting out of bed. Not Hennings.

"I never wavered in my resolve," he admitted.

As he approaches his half century of observations, what has Hennings discovered?

"I am indeed fairly healthy, as I have never been out for a meal in case it ends too late," he said. "I would not say I am wealthy though. I have been overlooked for several promotions, because I've never been to any of the networking parties. However, I do all right. I also have no dependants to complicate my economic situation. Am I wise? Well, I do have a doctorate in socio-economics. This is quite a hard subject. I could have become a doctor of medicine, but the late night shifts put me off that."

His mother, Callie Hennings, thinks he is far from wise. "He's a fool," she said. "I've told him such since I realised what he was doing. He should have been out getting drunk and found a nice girl. I'd have had grandchildren by now if he wasn't such an anal tight arse."

Mrs Hennings reveals that far from making him healthy, wealthy and wise, his strict regime of early to bed and early to rise has turned her son into an obsessive compulsive with bad personal hygiene. "He's a prat," she admitted.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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