Written by Jesus Budda

Saturday, 29 January 2011


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image for How to Make a Simple Trap for Animals
You won't catch an owl.... because owls are smart

Follow my instructions and you can then go out and catch animals like some sort of modern-day Buffalo Bill.

What you'll need:

- String or twine.
- A springy twig or sapling.
- Some bits of branch or wood.
- Some smaller twigs.
- A knife (for cutting)
- Human hands. (for doing stuff and scratching backside)
- Human brain. (for thinking)
- The patience to even bother.

Now, this snare we're gonna make (actually You are gonna make it and I am just gonna tell you what to do, bitch) is suitable for catching polar bears and rhinoceroses.

Actually, no.
This snare is for catching small creatures and leprechauns.

What to do:


Lets make the trap-release system. That sounds very fancy, doesn't it? Well, this is the important part - fuck it up and you, well, fuck up your trap!

You need two similarly sized sticks (3 or 4 inches long) and about the circumference of a finger.
We'll call them Stick 'A' and Stick 'B'.
Well because it makes it easier to identify them, you arsehole!

Stick 'A' will be shoved into the ground and Stick 'B' will be tied to the string which will then be pulled apart from Stick 'B' when the snare is activated.

You need to carve two diagonal notches into both sticks about half-way down their length (on the side) so that they will link into place snugly and hold your lovely trap in place.

Cut an upwards facing notch in Stick 'A' and a downwards facing notch in Stick 'B' so that they are held in place by gravity.

When an animal (or baby) brushes against the snare, Stick 'B' will slide sideways (in the direction the animal/baby) is moving and release.

Shove Stick 'A' into the ground (not too hard).


Make a loose noose (aboot the hoose?) with the string.
The noose should be large enough so that your fist can fit through it.
The noose should tighten when the string is pulled.
If you don't know how to make a noose then you probably shouldn't be trying to make a snare because you are obviously stupid.

Tie the other end of the noose (the trailing end) to a sapling or springy piece of stick in the ground.

Make sure the stick/sapling is firmly anchored in the ground otherwise the animal you want to catch will get away,...and you don't wanna be like Elmer Fudd chasing Bugs Bunny, now do you?
Of course not.

The idea of using the sapling is that when the snare is activated, instead of simply catching the animal/baby in the noose, the sapling will spring upwards and rise the catch off the ground....dangling it in some form of morbid poetic ballet of pose that will bring to mind images of ....ok, ok you get the picture!


Tie Stick 'B' to the string about halfway along the length of the string.

Fit Stick 'B' into the notch you carved in Stick 'A'.
Make sure it is nice and secure and that there is tension on the line.
[I mean keep the line taut - not make the piece of string feel troubled with worries about it's safety.
The poor string has enough on its plate to be worrying about without a little bastard like you making his wooden life more miserable.


Finally, you need to disguise the noose of the trap as much as possible.

Shake some leaves and dirt around so that it doesn't look like an obvious trap.

And then do a shit.
Shit will attract curious creatures.

Would you really want to come back to the trap in a day or two and have to check it while a steaming turd rots next to it?
I thought not....


When you have done all this you should test that the trap works.

Test it!
See if you can set-off the snare as you move your hand through the noose loop.

If it works then you can go on with your business and check in later to see if you've caught anything.

If it doesn't work, then you should re-check everything and GET YOUR FUCKING ACT TOGETHER!

Final notes:

- Put your trap in areas regularly used by animals as trails.

- Its best to make a few traps close together so increase chance of catching something.

- If you do manage to snare some unfortunate animal/baby, you should not remove it immediately. Instead let it's cries of terror attract other animals/babies.

- If you don't want to catch animals/babies, don't make a snare trap.
Go down the shops and buy some frozen ones instead.

Well, that's my lot for today.

Enjoy yourslef, bee-atches!


Jesus Budda

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Animals, Tips

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