Review: Dating Agencies and Rabbit

Funny story written by IainB

Tuesday, 26 October 2010


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Want to play with my Rabbit.

As the most dedicated reviewer for The Spoof, I occasionally get odd items requiring review. Most recently I was sent the latest in Rabbit's sex toy range: Thrust 2.

However, after the disaster that was the Party Food review that led to my review of divorce lawyers, I have been reviewing local hostelries for the past few months and find myself resolutely single, with no way of testing the Rabbit. There are limits as to how far I'm willing to go in order to review an item, so I had to find a willing partner.

For this reason, in this ongoing series of reviews, I will be combining the review of the sex toy with a review of iHarmony, the on-line dating app from Apple.

Downloading and installing the iHarmony applelet was tricky at first, as I could not locate my iPod Atto, so I borrowed a friend's iPad Nano (or iPhone 4 as it's sometimes called). I installed the applelet on this and completed the easy to use questionnaire. Details such as age, weight, height, eye colour and sexual preference were fairly straightforward, though I did struggle with occupation as Spoof Reviewer was not in the list of available occupations. I settled for Sports Personality, as it was the closest alphabetically.

iHarmony has a large database of potential matches, and I was immediately hooked up with five possible dates in my local area, although the applelet's idea of local area did not match mine. I excluded the French girl, despite her attractiveness rating being twelve, and the girl from Leeds. Not due to distance, but because she was a minger. This left me three potential matches.

While I waited for a response from any of the three, I examined the Rabbit, discovering that it had a pleasant tactile sensation and plenty of options for the lady of pleasure. The model I was testing was a fetching shade of glassy pink. The box stated that it was 'coral' something I felt was a bad marketing move, as coral is quite sharp and the Rabbit was anything but. It would wiggle, pulse, thrust and vibrate, as well as stimulate the areas a man cannot find without a GPS from Ann Summers. So far so good.

A response through iHarmony came back quickly, which was fortunate as my friend wanted his iPhone back the following morning. I arranged to meet in Stockport Town centre, at Caffe Nero. It has to be there, as I have been banned from most places in Stockport. I dressed casually, as a Sports Personality would dress, and set off in plenty of time.

The iHarmony service has a unique feature that allows two iPhone owners to find each other, at first using GPS and mapping, and then, when both are in the same crowded room, by shouting "Oi! Lover! Over Here!" as you near your potential match. With both our phones shouting we approached and touched phones, silencing them.

I was quite impressed with my date for the evening. As her profile suggested, she matched me in terms of interests, and drank coffee, making the location of our first meeting appropriate. We got on very well. And all was going quite well until I revealed that I wasn't a Sports Personality, but a Spoof Reviewer. This in itself wasn't the problem, as she admitted to a couple of lies on her profile, the first being that she was forty not twenty-two. The main problem was when she asked what I was currently reviewing. I decided not to admit to reviewing iHarmony and instead took out the Rabbit to show her.

This has resulted in my being banned from Caffe Nero as well.

However, my date found this amusing and she excitedly agreed to help me test the Rabbit. Here I discovered her other lie, as she was not, as she posted, single. Thus it was back to my bedsit and not her house, as her husband would be home soon.

Together we tried out all of the functions of the Rabbit, discovering the amazing simplicity of the device. It has a very good battery life, and is easy to hold. Being fully adjustable, it provided over an hour of fun for the pair of us, before the review had to end with my date returning home to her husband.

In summary, I can recommend the Rabbit without reservation to any single, married or adulterous woman out there. Although I have not used any other sex toys, I can not see the need for anything other than this device, and I give it an outstanding five out of five thumbs up.

iHarmony is another matter. I am going to give that one thumb out of five for it's ease of set up and it's matching capabilities. It looses marks as there is no way of verifying the information that is provided, and if you forget to uninstall it, then the husband of the woman that you met can use her phone to locate you and give you a sound thrashing. My friend is no longer speaking to me, mainly as he has a broken jaw. However, when his divorce comes through, his wife is very interested in hooking up with me, thanks to the Rabbit.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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