Into The Semi-Wild- A Noble Alaskan Experiment

Funny story written by rfreed

Friday, 22 October 2010


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Solitude at last!...... Perhaps too much so..........

This is a record of a noble experiment conducted by me, rfreed. With this journal I will record my experiences of the next month over Christmas vacation during which time I will be alone in a cabin in the woods outside of Fairbanks, Alaska. In this period I will pursue the purifying of my mind and spirit as can only happen in true solitude and quiet. I hope in this time to break down the many walls between my soul and my true self and to attain lasting inner peace. I also want to forget about women, especially since they are the surest way to lose inner peace.


Today begins my great experience in living alone in the great wilderness. I've rented a cabin in the woods beyond the University where isolation and the serenity of Nature abounds. I've always dreamt of being out in the woods alone like my heroes Henry David Thoreau, Jack London, Robert Service, John Muir and R.D. Cooper. Now is the chance to experience it for myself. I've stocked up on all the food supplies I'll need to get me through the 4 weeks of Christmas Break: 2 cases of Cheetos, 6 boxes Lucky Charms cereal with 2 gallons of chocolate milk to put on them. Three loaves Wonder bread, 3 jars peanut butter, 80 Almond Joy candy bars, 2 cases Rock Star caffeinated sodas, 1 case Keebler chocolate chip cookies, 6 boxes barbecue buffalo wings and other necessities. I also have dried food that I collected in the summer to supplement my regular food - dried blueberries and raspberries, Labrador tea, canned salmon and dried pike. I also have a bunch of dried mushrooms that I picked just for the heck of it that I haven't positively identified.


I checked out my stockpile of DVD's to watch. I know my two biggest enemies will be boredom and loneliness while I AM on my sabbatical out here in the woods. I have many classics to enrich my mind and better my spirit. There is Dr. Zhivago, Nanook of the North, Battle of Algiers, Ghandi, Kinsey, and many others. For less dramatic and more pure entertainment I also have copies of Silence of the Lambs, all of the Nightmare on Elm Street/Freddy Krueger films, and Sound of Music. I also found a few copies of Girls Gone Wild that must have been my old roommates, for I would never buy them. I put them in a closet since I'm trying to forget about women. I'll just leave them there in case I get really bored.


2 PM - I get really bored and watch all three copies of Girls Gone Wild.

8 PM - It suddenly comes back to me all the things I was trying to forget about women. Let me add horniness to the list of my biggest enemies while I AM out here.

9 PM - I say to hell with inner peace and end up running in to town for the night acts at Showgirls.


6 PM - Today I will entertain myself with something more classical in films to take my mind off of women. I will try Kinsey.

9 PM - I didn't know the movie Kinsey was about professors studying sex research.

10 PM - Most of inner peace is trampled to death as I give in and run into town for the last show at Showgirls.


11 AM - I make a vow not to break down and go into town anymore. I drain the gas from my car and throw the keys in the snow.

12 NOON - To relax I put on the Nightmare On Elm Street movies.

6 PM - It is not a good idea to watch all 4 Nightmare on Elm Street movies in a row when you are living a lone in the woods and it is dark 20 hours of the day. 2 hours of searching for the car keys in the snow holding a flashlight on one hand and a club in the other was fruitless. Have resorted to boarding up all the windows and the door and keep the club and shotgun in my hands as I huddle in my sleeping bag.


5 PM - I feel better today. No movies today. I will experiment with cabin cooking and try some of those funny mushrooms in a nice, warm vegetable soup.

11 PM - Had horrible nightmare where I was eaten alive by a giant python and stabbed it with my knife. Woke up and found sleeping bag shredded to pieces.


9 AM - Woke up feeling a little woozy and nauseous. Rolfing in an outhouse is not much better than sitting in one.

5 PM - AM feeling better now. Will go back to classic movies now. Will watch Sense and Sensibility because it has that hot Kate Winslet in it.

5:45 PM - Movie sucks. Only one where Winslet leaves her clothes on throughout the whole film. I thought it was always in her contract that she had to titillate.

6:45 PM - Discovered that if you put the third Girls Gone Wild DVD on and pause it 14 minutes in you can look down from the upper right hand corner of the screen at an angle and see some skin you weren't supposed to see. Will check out and see if it's true with the other ones too.

9 PM - Am attacked by the biggest of the three enemies of living alone and search frantically in snow for keys so I can get to Showgirls before they close.

9:30 PM - No luck. I spend lonely night in taped up sleeping bag alone.


5 PM - Will keep away from movies for awhile. Will make attempt on classic literature today and read an Indian book called the Kama Sutra.

8 PM - Didn't know that Kama Sutra was all about classical sexual positions.

1 AM - It is an incredible waste of time trying to hitchhike in to town to see Showgirls. And COLD!!!!


10 AM - Today will avoid both movies and books and will finish up soup I made the other day.

3 PM - Somehow with this soup I don't need movies or books.



DAY 11

2 PM - Woke up feeling really nauseous and weird. It looks like I've slept for two straight days. Don't remember what happened to me or why I feel sick. Went out to upchuck in the outhouse and found a dead moose lying near the front door. It had been shot and looked like it had been there for over a day.

DAY 12

Dead moose still there.

DAY 13

Looked up moose in Alaska cookbook.

DAY 14

Most of moose still there.

DAY 15

In Alaskan cookbook it states that there are psychotropic mushrooms that leave deposits in the body that can effect the mind for long periods of time afterwards. I will have to watch out for that. I will have to watch out for that. I will have to watch out for that.

DAY 16

I find that running naked through the woods screaming and rolling in the snow does relieve the boredom and brings one back down to earth for short periods of time at least.

DAY 17

Word to the wise - don't try to cut your toenails with a chainsaw - just don't!

DAY 18

Extreme boredom sets in. Put on hockey mask and terrorized neighbors by peeking in their windows. It worked well for a few hours and then it gets old, which is just as well as that is about how long it takes the State Patrol to get out here.

DAY 19

4 PM - A cold front has moved in and temperatures have dropped to minus 40. Now is the true test of the wilderness. Thank God for Toyo stoves and cans of baked beans! Tonight I will break out the hot chocolate and popcorn and break my media fast by watching Nanook of the North and Dr. Zhivago.

9 PM - Somehow watching a film about a Native on an island in the winter hunting cold, blubbery, seals didn't do much for me on a frigid night. I got through Dr. Zhivago until they got to the scene where they go to the Winter Palace that has been abandoned and try living there in the dead of a Russian winter. I got a bad case of the willies and crawled in the sleeping bag and pulled it up over my head, but only after I taped twenty of those heat pads you shake up all over my body. I have bad dreams about a Russian speaking snow monster that thinks I AM a cold, blubbery seal and is trying to grab me.

DAY 20

10 AM - It is so cold I try to start a fire in the corner of the cabin. I guess you are supposed to have a fireplace for that.

1 PM - Burned hole in the corner of the cabin that makes it even colder than before.

4 PM - Stuffing the dead moose in hole did make it warmer. Part of moose inside cabin is a bit muffy, though.

DAY 21

Found auto keys under where moose had been.

DAY 22

Burning small parts of moose at a time does help with warmth and light.

DAY 23

9 AM - Food is running scarily low.

3 AM - Singed moose doesn't smell so bad.

DAY 24

9 AM - To take mind off hunger will read the book "Alive" today.

4 PM - Reading about Chilean soccer players whose plane crashes in the mountains somehow was not the best choice to read at this particular time. It seems they were in a place so remote, cold, snowy and desolate that they ran out of food and had to eat their own dead.

6 PM - It looks remote, cold, snowy and desolate out.

DAY 25

It is cold in here again. Whole moose is no longer blocking hole. Use fur alone to cover it.

DAY 26

If you slather barbecue sauce on your fingers, let it set for 10 minutes and lightly chew without really biting hard it is somewhat savory and satisfying.

DAY 27

10 AM - Despite the effects, I must eat the last of the mushrooms; it is all I have left.

5 PM - I can see why many men turn to cross dressing out of boredom and loneliness. It is amusing even when one makes the bras himself out of egg cartons and the panties out of cereal boxes.

DAY 28

They finally plow road nearby. Under cover of darkness I sneak over to neighbors and siphon gas. They come out to stop me, but when they see I AM wearing hockey mask they run back inside. I drive into town and buy every donut I can find. I try to go into Showgirls but doorman stops me and says I smell too bad. He will not accept donuts as bribe.

DAY 29

9 AM - Temperature plummets again. I discover that tufts of hair and beard can be successfully transplanted to other, more cold-sensitive and hairless parts of body with enough duct tape and super glue.

4 PM - Spent most of day digging out to outhouse while holding it in.

8 PM - Used last of gasoline to set car on fire to stay warm. Pulled burning parts of it into cabin. Kept warm all night.

DAY 30

Cabin burned down. Fire Department gave ride into town. Experiment officially finished. After discussing situation with landlord, police gave me a nice, warm bed in town. Will begin new, 1 month log tomorrow about another type of solitude.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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