Something Unspeakable Is Happening On The Coast Of Alaska

Funny story written by rfreed

Saturday, 16 October 2010

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Cordova, a sleepy fishing village- or is it?

Cordova, Alaska 8:35 AM- There has been an apparent series of attacks on residents in the small Alaska coastal town of Cordova, approximately 100 miles south of Valdez, Alaska.

More on this as we get it.

BREAKING NEWS: Cordova, Alaska 8:50 AM

Anchorage radio station AUNK has reported that the local police in Cordova, Alaska have been alerted to a series of attacks on citizens in various parts of the town that may be coordinated.

There is rumor that this could a form of terrorist attack. More information will be made available as we receive it.

BREAKING NEWS: Cordova, Alaska 9:12 AM

More news is coming in from the small seaside town of Cordova, Alaska. Police agencies are saying that a number of individuals in separate incidents have been aggressively attacked by as yet unidentified assailants.

The attacks seem to be random at this point, but with chilling aggressiveness. It is unknown who the assailants are or what their purpose is. The local Coast Guard has also been notified and asked to help with the difficulties.

It should be noted that Cordova is an isolated fishing community of 3,000 with no road access and minimal communications so getting up to the minute information is very difficult. More as we get it.

BREAKING NEWS: Cordova, AK 9:43 AM

Pandemonium has apparently broken out in the small fishing village of Cordova, Alaska. The police have now confirmed that there have been numerous, sporadic, unwarranted attacks on individuals throughout the city.

They emphasize the horrificness of the attacks, stating that some victims have suffered limbs torn off, disembowelments, horrible head wounds. The entire city is shocked and in panic.

BREAKING NEWS: Cordova, AK 10:04 AM

Cell phone photos of the carnage in Cordova, Alaska have begun to appear on the Internet and to be sent to the outside world. Grisly photos of bloodstained sidewalks and people with bandaged heads and torsos are circulating.

Recording sounds of the victims screaming and pleading for help are heart rending. What is most disturbing of all are the inhuman background sounds of whatever fiends are behind the bloodshed. Unearthly, tormented howls and gutteral growlings shatter the senses with their chilling sound. They resemble nothing human, more the desperate lusts of some sort of animal or demon in dire agony.

Police throughout the state are puzzled over what the source of these tortured, bestial voices could be. Speculation ranges even into the supernatural. Could they be the howlings of werewolves in hungered pursuit of victims, vampires in lust of blood, bizarre monsters of demonic possession, or some other, unimaginable fiend from the roots of hell that nothing can stop? Even the most hardened of law enforcement officials are cringing.

BREAKING NEWS: Cordova, AK 11:24 AM

A combined effort by the police, state troopers, Coast Guard and numerous SWAT teams from around the state of Alaska have finally ended the barbaric mayhem that has swept the small coastal town of Cordova.

After a massive effort that involved subduing what turned out to be a third of the population of the town citizenry itself by bombardment, tear gassing, capture nets and stun guns; order and a stunned peace has finally settled upon the area. With thirty percent of the citizenry incapacitated, the jail filled to bursting and the surplus impounded resident locked up in the unused town cannery, causes for the mass madness has finally been established.

The weekly barge of supplies that the town depends on has for three straight weeks been short of its entire supply of booze and cigarettes.

Dependent members of the town, having gone cold turkey since the towns stores and bars went dry and tobacco-less two weeks ago, could no longer control themselves and devolved into lust imbued half dead maniacs, dire for a fix of their favorite addictions, taking out their pain upon anyone they came upon.

We, the readers and gratefully distant observers of this event, can only cringingly look upon it and pray that it never happens in our communities.

If it does happen, be sure to buy a gun.

In fact, buy several.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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