Red, White And Blue School Of Self Defense - Grand Opening

Funny story written by kslaught

Friday, 1 October 2010

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Keep One Of These In The Bathroom

A rally was held yesterday in Washington, D.C. to celebrate the grand opening of the Red, White And Blue School Of Self Defense. Sarah Palin was on hand to introduce the speaker, John 'Bambi-killer' Doe. Here is the full text of Mr. Doe's speech:

Thanks for that wonderful introduction, Sarah.

Listen. We all know that any and all gun-control laws are an unwarranted infringement on the right of private citizens to bear arms, a right guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States.

In this time of rising crime and illegal immigration, it is becoming increasingly important for the average citizen to be well-armed, and to know how to use a weapon. That's old news.

Sadly, many people who own guns have no household plan for organizing their own self-defense. Criminals have plans; you need a plan also.

I am proud, therefore, to announce the opening of our new school, the Red, White and Blue School of Self-Defense.

All members of the family are urged to attend. Dad will not always be home, so mom and the kids should know how to defend themselves. Just bring yourselves, your guns, plenty of ammo and a sincere desire to learn.

During the first week, students will learn proper care of the weapon and marksmanship skills. In addition to target practice, students will have the opportunity to experience a simulated robbery. People of color have been hired to act as criminals, and the student will practice 'getting the drop' on the intruder. Blank rounds will be used for this section: these instructors aren't cheap, ha, ha . Students will be taught to fire from all rooms in the house and while performing typical household activities, such as cooking dinner, doing laundry, and some others we will discuss later.

Since most breaking and entering occurs at night, special attention will be given to bedroom marksmanship. Students will learn to grab their (loaded) weapons and shoot while laying on their backs, stomachs or sides. Coital marksmanship is a skill of its own - to be practiced at home. We asked Sarah and Todd to demonstrate, but they said they were out of practice, ha, ha.

During the second week, strategic placement of weapons will be discussed, along with safety precautions that must be followed in a fully armed household.

Quite frankly, it is astounding to me that so many people buy guns, and then tuck them away in a drawer unloaded!! Don't get me started. What good is an unloaded gun in a closet or a drawer? You might as well not have a gun at all!

Loaded firearms should be placed in strategic locations throughout the home. Don't forget the bathroom. One can be quite vulnerable during a long number "2".

Also - and this is important - both husband and wife should keep a loaded gun under the pillow at night. I know, I know, you whine that it's dangerous - I hear that all the time. Let me ask you this. How much time do you have to react if a criminal surprises you in the bedroom? Why did you buy that firearm in the first place? To protect yourself, correct? Hello! Wake up and smell the ammunition!

Observe a few simple safety precautions. First, keep the barrel of the gun pointed AWAY from the bed. That way, if the weapon accidentally discharges during the night, it won't injure your spouse. Second, try to avoid shooting your spouse in the heat of an argument. If you go to bed angry, make an exception that night and store the guns under the bed. Just use a little common sense.

Now, let's talk about teenagers. Teenagers tend to come home late at night sometimes. Mine sure does. I will assume that you don't want to kill your teenage son. Correct? I can't hear you! Correct?

Question: how will know if those footsteps you hear belong to your son, or to a burglar? We will help you develop a system of signs. Some people use coughing. The kid coughs twice when he comes up the stairs, for example. Also, you want to issue at least one warning before opening fire. Have regular family meetings to make sure everyone is on the same page.

On sight, color is a good indicator you can use. If you see a white face, hold your fire and give maybe two warnings instead of just one. If you follow these procedures, you should be able to keep accidents to a minimum.

Is it foolproof? Look, I can't guarantee that accidents won't happen. What I CAN guarantee is that, if the teen manages to survive forgetting a signal, it WON'T happen again!!

In all seriousness, however, you need to take a few chances in order to feel safe in your own home. It just makes sense.

In closing, I am pleased to make a one time offer to all those in the audience. The first ten students to enroll will be given their very own life-sized replicas of illegal immigrants to practice on! Sorry we can't use the real ones - not yet. But stay tuned.

Happy shooting, everyone!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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