The Dream Cabinet

Funny story written by Sidney Bollocks

Friday, 24 September 2010

image for The Dream Cabinet
Guy, where the Fawke are you when we need you?

Politics is a grey old business these days. Bland, sterile and media savvy types, who deliver policy through sound bites and press releases, seem to have taken over. There is enough spin to dry a week's washing.

Where has the passion and vision gone? Where has the patriotism and loyalty gone, that once drove great men to serve their country. Who is there now who compares with Disraeli, Gladstone, Asquith, Lloyd George, Churchill, Macmillan, Wilson and John Major?

When did we last see a Prime Minister or Secretary of State lock horns in a serious political interview? Are they afarid of Question Time, Newsnight and Radio 4's Today programme? Paxman, Humphrys and Dimbleby will soon be redundant, if they are not already so. Now we see ministers on the breakfast TV couches, being interviewed by heavy weights such as Fern Britton (no pun intended) and the like, or appearing on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

The electorate has become bored and has lost interest in who runs the country. Low voter turnouts are now a regular feature of general elections. Bye-elections and council elections almost go unnoticed.

Besides the usual scandals around parliamentary expenses, who is shagging who, who is in which closet and sleeping arrangements between ministers and their aides when on the campaign trail, when else do our politicians make the headlines?

Imagine a world where a new government could appoint non-elected people to serve in the Cabinet, regardless of their political leanings and based purely on their ability to to the job, to be great and to change the course of history. Let us ponder what would, possibly, be the greatest cabinet of all time, drawn from the abundant political talent with which we are surrounded, but are not yet aware of (at least in respect of their nation building ability).

So, here goes:

Prime Minister - Jeremy Clarkson.

Deputy Prime Minister - The Stig.

Foreign Secretary - Nick Griffin.

Chancellor of the Exchequer - Asil Nadir.

Justice Secretary - Ronnie Biggs.

Defence Secretary - Frank Bruno.

Industry Secretary - Gerald Ratner.

Health Secretary - James Corden.

Education Secretary - David Beckham.

Transport Secretary - Bob Crowe.

Environment Secretary - Tony Hayward (ex BP).

International Development Secretary - Abu Hamza al-Masri.

Northern Ireland Secretary - Gerry Adams.

Scottish Secretary - Billy Connolly.

Welsh Secretary - Max Boyce.

Culture, etc. Secretary - Wayne Rooney.

Minister for Women & Equality - Sid The Sexist.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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