Seaton Carew: The Big Interview.

Funny story written by birbee

Monday, 31 May 2010


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image for Seaton Carew: The Big Interview.
Seaton, Back in the Day............

Seaton Carew, famous local man and failing entrepreneur, has agreed to give The Spoof! a sometimes fascinating insight to his daily life, his friendships and his colourful background.

We met with Mr Carew (age indeterminable) on the set of a new period drama series being filmed in the small Somerset town of Shepton Mallet as he tried to wheedle his way onto the camera at every opportunity.

Due to the inclement weather, Seaton wore a mosquito net over his face to stop the rain from affecting his recently applied make up, make up he told us that had been made by his own fair hand just that morning.

birbee; Mr Carew, you have had had somewhat of a chequered past, was it influenced in any way by your father?

SC; My dear chap, my father was absent for most of my childhood, in fact my dear old mother never grew tired of telling me that he was probably absent at my conception, so I rather fail to see how he could have had any influence on my life at all.

birbee; So who do you think was the biggest influence in your life, your mother?

SC; My mother was a lush. She was a dear old woman but a lush never the less. She came from a humble beginning, you know, her parents were both prostitutes who worked in Bristol docks. When they first met, her father always told people he was 'a Docker' but said it in such a fashion that he made it sound like he had a medical background. He was soon exposed though, by many a real docker, and never made much money. Her mother on the other hand made an absolute fortune. It wasn't that she was pretty, merely that she would do anything, and I mean anything, and she didn't charge too much.

My main influence as I grew up though, would be the two desert spoons my Aunty gave to me for my eighth birthday. She wasn't my real Aunty of course, but an actress like mother. Anyway, the spoons were my first foray into the life of the stage.

birbee; What are your best memories from your years working on the stage?

SC; I worked the stage all over the world for nigh on 4 and a half years, but I have to admit my best memories from that time are from behind, to the side of and under the stage.

It was under the stage that I first met Farrington Gurney. He was a colourful chap then, more so than today, but he was still a bit of a wheeze even at that tender age.

Never forget the day, it was a Tuesday. or was it Thursday?, we had just finished our interlude performance. A double act that involved the two of us and a large pair of chopsticks. Farrington would run as fast as he could around the stage in ever decreasing circles and I would try and catch him between the sticks whilst wearing a blindfold. To help me, Farrington would break wind loudly at sporadic intervals to give me an idea where he was. He ran so fast though, the blighter, that I never caught him, not once, not in all those years.

Anyway, after the act, we retired under the stairs and just listened to the people at work above us. It gave us a strange sense of wellbeing. Just being there, just the two of us, sometimes clothed, sometime naked.

birbee; After your acting career came to an end, what made you decide to enter the world of pop music?

SC; Well it seemed the obvious choice really. I had so many contacts in the theatre world that my phone was always ringing.

I saw an opening when the Bay City Rollers split up and I just thought I would bide my time until the public was ready to hear from them again.

It has been a long wait, but hopefully the proof of the pudding will be bourne by the one who laughs longest.

birbee; So have you had much success with the newly re-formed 'Rollers'?

SC; These things take time old boy. I didn't expect anything to happen overnight, and nothing has, so I am right where I thought I would be.

I learnt from my time in the theatre that one night the audience can love you, the next they may hate you.

One evening, I was on stage in my 'Space Race' outfit, resplendent with collander as a helmet and tin foiled plus fours, when onto the stage ran this upstart and began performing a rather unusal dance. It was like he was on drugs, I thought, but it turned out he had eaten too many marshmallows immediately prior to entering from stage right.

Anyway, my point is that from that moment on, the audience turned on me and loved him.

That was my first sighting of the rogue Folgate, but I didn't see him for years after that.

birbee; When did you decide to form a partnership with Farrington Gurney and Norton Folgate and has it always been a success?

SC; Gurney and I hit it off right away, from the word go, but Folgate was a little shit.

For years he used to taunt us, saying that he was better than us. Just because he had more bookings than us and was making more money, we still had a better repatoire than he ever had.

But, eventually, we all became business partners and he was soon making the same money as us.

birbee; So what does the future hold for you?

SC; Well we are in the process of writing next years Eurovision Song Contest entry, and we are still awaiting to reap the fruits of the Bay City Rollers thing. If that works, we are going to try Showaddywaddy too.

We have also recently set up a company to encourage people to swim the English Channel. The amount they would save on their holidays would be immense, but Norton (who comes from inner-city Clerkenwell) cannot swim.

We have other irons in the fire, but none of them has warmed as yet.

At this point, Seaton Carew sauntered off to chat to the make-up girl, exchange tips and try to talk his way in front of the camera.

Coming soon, The Big Interview will be asking probing questions to more local celebrities.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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