Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was horrified this lunchtime when he went surfing on the internet and found a story about a local man in Columbus, Ohio, USA, who has apparently been fined and imprisoned for slapping little kids in a Walmart store.
"I was horrified," Shuttlecock told us. "I get featured on theSpoof.com from time to time, and I'm referred to in the headlines as Local Man, usually followed by something quite mundane about an incident in my generally uneventful private life.
"Like getting caught masturbating in the back garden, or being observed making sexual overtures to passing birds of prey.
"I don't mind that, the wanking and the birds of prey stuff, but I don't want people confusing me with that bloke in Ohio, slapping kids in Walmart. It's very rare that I ever go shopping, let alone WalMart. I let the wife do that because it takes her an eternity to get round. What, with the bread squeezing and that."
We contacted Google News, who were very helpful and quick to reassure us that there was no way that readers could confuse the Ohio kiddie slapper with Martin Shuttlecock. When we informed him, Shuttlecock told us:
"Thank Christ for that. If the wife thought I'd been out slapping kids in Walmart she'd go fucking mental."
More as we get it.
