Skippy Goes To The Zoo

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

image for Skippy Goes To The Zoo
Skippy runs away from the scary prarie dog town

Skippy Goes To The Zoo

Introduction: Skippy the dog liked his new master. He liked sleeping on the warm floor of the laundry room in an old laundry basket, curled up in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles blanket. He also enjoyed his dog biscuits and the occasional belly rubs from his owners.

Skippy, however, was not really a dog!

Even though he was picked up from the pound, even though he was registered with the AKC (American Kennel Club), even though he wore a collar around his neck, and even though he ate from a dog dish, barked at people, and enjoyed licking himself, Skippy wasn't really a dog.

Just like Pinnochio was a puppet that wanted to be a real boy, Skippy was a real boy that wanted to be a dog.

Okay, he wasn't really a boy, he was an all-the-way-grown-up-man, but he still wanted to be a puppy. He had been mistreated as a boy and felt that a dog's life was best for him.

Grandpa Buck, a retired writer in Florida, felt sorry for Skippy. He needed a dog to fetch his slippers and to lie at his feet and to chew on his newspaper and to play with his grandkids. When he heard about Skippy, he had the Humane Society in Florida contact the Humane Society in Northern California and payed to have Skippy shipped to him (but Skippy's airplane ride is another story).

Skippy Goes To The Zoo

Skippy was excited. He got to go with his master to the Zoo! He was going to get to see the elephants and lions and tigers and bears and camels and monkeys and sea lions and giant pink sea snails and oompa loompas and hyenas and giraffes and rhinos. He wanted to see them all.

He was so excited that he licked his balls twice, just to make sure that they were clean enough to go in the master's mini-van. He wagged his tail, but got told to quit playing with himself and be a good dog.

Skippy ran up to his master, begging for his leash. He already had on his collar, he'd worn that ever since he moved to San Francisco and still acted like a man (well, not really a man...).

Skippy rode in the front seat of the car, sticking his head out of the window. He wanted to climb into his master's lap, and put his tongue out of the window, but his master was having none of that. Grandpa Buck knew from experience exactly what Skippy tried to do when he sat in your lap!

When they got to the zoo, Grandpa Buck let his grandchildren take turns holding Skippy's leash. They were told to hold on real tight and not to let Skippy try to attack any of the animals. This never happened.

At the lion cage, the King of the Jungle roared and Skippy wet himself.

At the elephant cage, the African Bull Elephant trumpeted and Skippy wet himself.

At the Sea Lion exhibit, the seals barked and Skippy wet himself.

At the tiger enclosure, the Bengal tigers glared and Skippy wet himself.

At the Bear Den, the Grizzlies just looked at him, licking their chops. This time, Skippy couldn't wet himself; he was all out of pee.

Grandpa Buck took Skippy and the grandkids to eat hamburgers and pizza in a zoo restaurant. Skippy drank lots of water and begged for potato chips and pieces of pepperonni.

He drank three bowls of water, two more than normal. He knew that he had to be ready just in case more animals made him pee himself. He didn't want to run out again before the end of the tour.

It was feeding time when they got to the pools of the alligators and crocodiles. The zoo people offered to let Grandpa Buck and his family feed Skippy to the giant reptiles, but they voted against it.

Skippy was saved by only one vote, 5 to 4. Many family members were still upset that he had peed on their shoes earlier when looking at the other animals.

After wetting himself at the rest of the cages, and managing to get in all of the shoes that he had missed earlier, Grandpa Buck decided to show the family the snake house.

Skippy got terrified in the snake house, because seeing the giant anacondas reminded him of some of the cruel things that other people did to him in San Francisco. He cried and cried to leave, and so one of the grandkids who had seen the snakes before took him outside.

When everyone finished seeing the snakes, it was time to go home. Skippy was too pooped to pee anymore. He slept and farted all the way home (blowing out all of the air that he had breathed in on the way to the zoo, when he had his head out of the window).

Skippy decided that this had been a good day. He had seen lots of animals, had been allowed to live, got to walk around with his favorite leash and collar all day long, begged for food scraps, got protected from the giant snakes who wanted to do nasty things with his butt, and got to mark his territory all over the zoo.

Skippy was happy.

The End

Watch for other Skippy adventure stories, including:
Skippy and His Airplane Ride
Skippy Meets A Friend
Why Skippy Licks His Balls
The Day Skippy Got Neutered
What Happened to My Balls? (the sequel to When Skippy Got Neutered)
Skippy and the Pussycat Next Door

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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