Jesus Returns, The Full Story

Funny story written by Stump Parrish

Saturday, 17 April 2010


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Monday April 12th, 2010 started out as a normal day for everyone in New York City. It didn't end that way for all of us. One poor hobo was found naked and dead in a phone booth, a delivery truck driver turned himself in for a hit and run accident even though no victim was found, and the entire congregation of the Holier Than Thou Catholic Chruch reported seeing a long haired, bearded Hobo with a wild look in his eyes, laughing, waving and sneering at them. Several church members mentioned that this thing didn't quite look like it belonged here. As they pulled out their crosses to protect themselves from the evil spirits, this thing started screaming in a strange language and ran straight out to the middle of the Hudson River and stopped. It turned once hollered No Way Not Again and disappeared to the east.

Today I conducted an exclusive interview with somone who can shead some light on these bizzarre events. Jesus Christ and I met for lunch at an undisclosed location to discuss these events and he requested the chance to read a statement from God inc. When asked about Mondays fiasco Jesus replied with this story...

Well, he said he finally got up the nerve to make another appearance on earth Monday and chose New York City for maximum exposure. Things started out bad, and just got worse. A mis-calculation with his landing and he appeared in a phone booth. I'll let the man himself finish the story, jesus told me..."This would have been ok if not for the hobo using the phone at the time. He screamed Jesus Where Did You Come From?, I screamed Heaven He died. Don't worry, I sent word ahead to expect him shortly. Lucky for me his clothes fit as I had forgotten this rediculous aversion to seeing the human body."

"I cautiously made my way to the street and promptly got hit by a large metal wagon moving like Hel...(oops my bad dad, still working on the cursing.) moving at a high rate of speed. shhhh (Bat out of hell!!!) This rising from the dead everytime I come down here is getting old. I mean For Dad's sakes!!!, I would love to live thru an entire visit down here at least once. This rising from the dead all the time is getting old."

"Ok back to the story, I made it back onto my feet and was glad I didn't get pelted with brightly colored eggs this time. I Came across a large well built church and stopped to admire it. The bell began tolling and a flock of my sheep came trotting out to start their day. I put on a big smile and started waving at everyone and they stopped. As one they all turned to glare at me. A silence fell over the city and the entire flock began pulling out little gold crosses and holding them up in front of their faces. They remembered me, recognized me, and worshiped the Dad Damned cross they hung me on, WTF? I immediately concluded that there is officially no hope left for video game Earth and I am recommending the product line be discontinued. Well I will tell ya, I lost my temper for the second time in my existence. Go figure, both times down here on the little blue planet smerf. Panic Attacks set in and I will admit it, I lost my shit for a minute. When I finally calmed down I had run down the Hudson River all the way to the Atlantic Ocean. I calmed down and didn't put the work order in, so don't worry about me ending all of your miserable existences. I remembered reading the last report and humans will take care of this soon enough on their own."

Jesus paused for a drink of water (it turned red as I watched him drink it, pretty cool stuff folks. Damn David Copperfield to hell, lol) took a deep breath and said this brought us up to date and to the final message he had for this screwed up planet.

"We at God Incorporated. gave you everything you needed to build a paradise down here. Instead, you choose to kill each other trying to prove who's deity has the biggest cock. Guess what, all dieties are equal owners in God Incorporated. That's right morons, everyone of us is on the same management team. We doubt if you have the collective intelligence to figure out how to get to the next level, and even though I just told you how, you wont make it, lol".

Jesus then leaned over to me, paused, and said..."I am in a generous mood and I'll explain the real reason I'm here. This video game that you humans are apart of is having programming problems. "SIM Planet Earth" is getting alot of customer complaints from the parents who bought this game for their kids. It seems that no matter what the user tries to do, all the inhabitants of "SIM Planet Earth" do, is kill each other. This is not how a SIM Game is programmed to operate, and we at God inc. will not tolerate it any longer. Either you game pieces start getting along or you will, be getting your pinkslips real soon."

"Now, Buddha, Allah, and the entire management team are on earth today addressing their team members as we speak. We have decided to give this game one more chance. Now, we strongly recommend you people get your holier than thou shit together and start acting like you want a game to live in. We already have some nice mock-ups for the next game we will run on this planet. I can assure you right now, that we will not be offering employment to any down here if we decide to cancel this version of "SIM Planet Earth". Not everyone on the board of directors was in favor of this attempted update. You better take advantage of it, starting today."

BS News and World Report Exclusive
Jesus Returns, The Full Story
submitted by AIP writer: Stump Parrish

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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