Quickie Insertions

Funny story written by walter

Monday, 15 February 2010

All nations around the globe, as of Adam & Eve's era up to now, have been invariably in dire need of 'executioners', of course, with some minor differences. For instance, certain countries, such as Saudi Arabia, have firmly stuck to pre-stone-age form of execution. In these countries, chopping off a thief's hand or a none-churchgoers' head is purely divinity.

Paradoxically, despite the ten-commandment teachings, 'Thou shalt not murder', some mortals have chosen to defy that very divine ordain.

Anyway, even today and with the advent of internet, the tracing of the origin of this outstanding job is not easy; therefore, the following is merely hypothetical. Consequently, allow me to assume that the first executioner was simply a down-to-earth butcher. In fact, some butchers in many countries act as a surgeon, because they well know the anatomy of the animal. They, in order to sever the head, do it surgically i.e. the sharp edge of the knife never touches the bones. It procedurally moves in-between or around them! Additionally, even today there are some butchers who perform some surgeries such as relocating a dislocated joint.

Perhaps, the first butcher-turned executioner badly needed the Lord's or his War Lords' encouragement to carry out the first execution. I don't wanna believe that the controversial Abraham, between Jews and Moslems, was the first would-be executioner, but he was a would-be- executioner-turned butcher. Good for him. Another closely related job is that of a barber who once used to extract teeth or circumcise children.

Since butchers at the slaughterhouses never feel remorse, so must be the feelings of an executioner. His feelings can be compared to our feelings when we peel off an orange. A deeper insight gives us other facts as to this gruesome job: to him, execution sounds more like a sport, hitting a ball in golf.

Perhaps it was him who instructed the blacksmith as to the specifications of the scimitar such as its sharpness, weight and size. Of course, he needed a lot of practice to form the proper muscles and a great extent of concentration and coordination. Possibly, he gave up the attainment of glory as most of them had/have to wear a mask, but enjoy/ed the awesome silence governing the entire spectators. Undoubtedly, he was/is much concerned to sever the head just in one stroke. Maybe, he enjoys/ed the privilege of performance in presence of kings and caliphs. But certainly he never expects/ed his bosses' intimacy.

Since executioners have had families, they might have had some pillow talks as well, such as the following:

• Hey, woman, pull down your smelly pants.
• What for?
• Damned! You know what for.
• OK. There's no need to pull them down in the middle of the night. As you know, my pants all have an emergency slit in the crotch for urinating and, of course, for quickie insertions.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more